I am forgetting. Forgetting what it’s like to have Fraser near. To be held by him. And as I allow that space to be filled with emptiness and deep sadness, I am also finding that void beginning to fill more with peace. I am having fun more often than the tears fall….aaaand it sometimes feels weird.
My dear friend lost two children last year. She and I can joke we know where they are actually, but that’s grief humour. Luke, her vibrant 19 year old died of cancer last year in January. After a year long battle he had a month of peace before it finally took over his young body again, leaving behind an unimaginable devastation. My friend’s oldest daughter, Haylee, (her daughters went to school with our children) died of a drug overdose in December.
I cannot even imagine.
Nor can she.
How does one even begin to imagine such a thing or even entertain it as a modicum of possibility? Fraser and I would tease each other about which of us would die first and what the other spouse would do; or encouraged or ‘allowed’ to do…before the haunting began of course. (No sign yet so guess I’m in the clear so far!). So, Fraser and I knew one of us would die before the other (I guess I wasn’t clear on my old age timeline with him!). What no one EVER imagines for more than a nano-second, is life without their children. It’s just not the right order of things. Fraser’s Mom knows too.
And that’s where it’s fucked up. How weird is it to go through what is the worst thing you’ve experienced yet and still get up each day? To function ‘normally’? To even allow yourself to laugh and have fun in the midst of such devastation? She wondered aloud one day what might be next if she can still be standing after all she’s been through! Still waiting for the worst worst thing? (She doesn’t know how courageous she is yet).
We’ve both caught ourselves wondering what other people might be thinking in certain situations. Maybe I look like I’m having too much fun?! Huh. Really?! Interesting our brains go to shame first instead of joy that maybe, just maybe(!), people might actually be happy for us?! She thought she’d never ever get off the floor if it ever happened. And then it did, and she got up…and then it happened again; but she’s up! She even manages to create fun some days!
And perhaps that is where the void is to find us. At our most vulnerable. Experiencing a depth of emotion we didn’t know existed. To find ourselves in our most raw state and be able to ‘Be’. To find joy over shame in those moments where you don’t even recognize yourself in the mirror….or when we find laughter! We don’t forget how to be sad but man do we forget how to be OK; happy even some days. Blissful even! She and I caught ourselves laughing so hard one day my stomach hurt. Then we laughed because it felt good! And we laughed more because it was actually pretty easy!
Well there it is. Maybe some days we just forget to be sad! Is that really what we’re here for? To remind ourselves to be sad everyday?! It’ll show up eventually. But to have to ‘remind’ ourselves?! Ridiculous. Nah. I’m not here for that. I’ll still allow it (can’t fight it!), but I will try to turn the compass of my ions towards peace, joy, laughter and love; Compassion (see what I did there?) Cause that shit feels way better!
I have shed some serious tears these past few months. Some from sadness, but more from laughter and love. I have been gifted an amazing summer. It still feels like a consolation prize to have VanGohh and travel, but oh man has it been good for my heart. Tears of beautiful gratitude! So much healing in all forms of tears.💕
With love, compassion, and gratitude.
xo,
Brooke
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