I’ve been sitting here, in this wheat field by the ‘Halfway Tree’. I don’t know where it’s halfway to (or from), but it apparently even has its own Facebook page! I have always loved a tree that has the audacity to grow in such solitude and by itself in a seemingly unlikely place. As I sat here with my tea, I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude that I get to have this experience. Even if it feels like a consolation prize some days. One I am grateful for, but also didn’t want to be playing this ‘game’. However, it is the game of life and I have chosen to play. And the square I landed upon today was in a wheat field.
I may have mentioned before, but I don’t ‘feel’ Fraser close to me. So many people tell me they feel him near; I do not. And oh how that aches. I know his ‘form’ is different now. I will never again feel him as he was, so how can I feel/experience him now…and be ok with it?!
As I shared my gratitude out loud in this wheat field, thanking him that if I must go through this, how grateful I am to go through it while travelling the countryside with Faya in VanGoh. And then it hit me! Perhaps this is his gift of how I can experience him now. That the gratitude I feel (often, even in spite of the circumstances) is actually him! He can never wrap his arms around me again, but I can have the most incredible feeling of love and gratitude from within and surrounding me, then why not? If our physicality is gone then we must come back to pure energy/Source. Emotions are (simply?) the energy of thought. Therefore, if we can control our thoughts, then ‘suffering is optional’ (Byron Katie). And so it is.
Today I choose gratitude. That doesn’t mean there are no tears, but tears of gratitude fall differently than the stabbing tears of grief. Those ones grab hold and make it hard to breathe (or get out of bed). Some days they are cathartic. But tears of gratitude fall more softly and I try to choose them more often than not.
And sometimes this is still utter bullshit. But the bullshit must be the fertilizer for something new. And this new experience of travelling has been so incredibly healing. Yep. So much gratitude.
xo, Brooke
Edit: This tree is halfway between Brandon and Winnipeg, MB. A friend texted and said, ‘you know my tree!’. He then shared a story with me: his friend was in her last months of cancer. He was driving her home to Winnipeg and they stopped at the tree. He told her he would call it ‘Mary’s Tree’ in honour of her life. 🙏
Thank you ‘Mary’s Tree’ for offering me perspective. 💕
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