Well, it finally happened. 💕 My first vivid dream of Fraser. I’ve felt like maybe I haven’t dreamt of him because it might be too painful. This wasn’t painful, at all….until I woke up to the gravity of our interaction. It has given me some closure; it was incredibly beautiful at the time, but also many tears today as my breath keeps getting caught in the space between my dream and ‘today’.
I have no idea where we were but I came up some stairs and there was Fraser. He had the biggest smile. He looked amazing. Like, take my breath away, relaxed, dressed in a blue suit. Standing proud and tall and exuding every happiness one could ever want. He opened his arms as I jumped into them nuzzling my face into his neck. He seemed surprised at my reaction as I held him like I would never let go. That moment lasted forever, and a moment. I could feel pure Love. It was then I knew; that he didn’t. He was in the before, and I, the after.
The tears flowed as I looked first to Caelin who stood just behind Fraser, on my left. I reached for her hand and she shook her head as she squeezed it, knowing. We didn’t need words. Connor appeared beside her and as he lowered his head, he too ‘said’, ‘no’.
The question, which didn’t need words, was, ‘should we tell him’. He clearly didn’t know, but we did. We knew that this was his last week. That in a few days he would be lying in a hospital bed as his family and friends would gather around to eventually say good-bye.
He had no idea. Oblivious, but oh my God happy. Full of Love and life. How could we take that away from him? I was still holding Fraser, wrapped in my arms and legs while our kids wrapped their arms around both of us. I could see Connor’s tears fall down his face and feel Caelin’s warmth in knowing as we wept for all of us. He had no idea the depth of our pain, and that was ok.
It was as it was going to be. There was a knowing that telling him would have changed nothing; except to transform his love and joy into fear of the unknown in just a few days.
It was up to us to make these days count. Not him. And that was the gift. Always has been. When I look over our last year; his last year, we had incredible gifts. Gifts that, at the time were special, but even more profound with hindsight.
We didn’t know, but knowing would likely have made us try to hang on when hanging on isn’t living. So, without ‘knowing’, we lived and loved. And without knowing, we had the gifts of the moments, even the mundane.
It is as it was meant to be. Nothing could change it. Nothing would. I would say blissful ignorance but I think it was more blissful intention. Intentionally living to our best.
——
It hurts knowing, or believing, this was how ‘it’ was supposed to be. And there is also some solace in knowing we, nor he, knew. To not steal away the joy, the love, the mundane. It’s all part of the whole of life. Balancing the mundane and the…opposite of that, whatever that is. Love each day as if it were your last…sort of. (Stupid clichés) Because, if it were our last day, the mundane wouldn’t exist. We would place more gravity on the weight of the mundane rather than the loving and living. But also maybe there should be more to the mundane than we give it credit for.
I wish I could run my fingers through his hair one more time. Feel his arms around me. Holding us all as a family once again. Mundane(?) yes, but oh my god how I miss that. So it is about Love. In All of it. In the knowing; the not knowing; the mundane; in living….and dying.
Acceptance; acknowledgment; giving in; giving to; loving it all.
Love is all there is.
With profound love for sharing this journey with me/us,
Xo, Brooke
I can only imagine the bliss you experienced in that dream. I've had a few vivid dreams of my mom, not frequently, but there've been a few, and it's always been known she was gone, but it's so so nice to spend time with her. I'm so glad you got to have this dream and I hope you have more 💖
How profoundly beautiful and insightful. 💕💜