October 27 10:30 pm

Too many feels. Holy moly. I can’t tell

If it’s peace I feel or just have no more room for any more feels. We are all weary.

Fraser had a really good day with some positive momentum yesterday. It shone some hope that maybe the only remedy is simply time. It allowed me to take a breath and I have some amazing friends that held space and guided me to connect with Fraser on an energetic level.

I found the chapel/meditation room and I was led through a meditation where I could join Fraser in his ‘light’ and we we are able to communicate with one another. Not with words (they are truly too limiting) but with a sense of knowing. It was like he wanted to show and share with me where he was and the peace he felt was beyond anything I can explain with words. It felt like what it is to be held by God.

Remember when you were little (or not so little😁) and were being carried? You could feel your weight…but you also felt weightless? That is the feeling on a physical level….like being carried onto the shore.😉

There were many tears; a peaceful calm; sadness and joy. I told him he can decide and we will all be ok whatever that decision is. As I faced that reality and I snivelled and my tears ran down my face onto my neck I saw a crusty napkin tucked away in the plastic plant by my feet. It almost looked useful…*almost*. How does a chapel seriously not have tissues?! I was desperate to wipe my tears away almost in avoidance of the emotions they were releasing. My tears seem to be multiplying as the days go on. Cathartic and exhausting.

When I came back to his room to settle into my nest there were two nurses and a doctor working around him. After an incredibly uplifting and promising day, all of a sudden his blood pressure was sky rocketing; his breathing was incredibly laboured and his fever had set back in. It seemed to have come out of nowhere….or did it?

It was if he was fighting to stay…or go. Either way he was fighting. I tried to big spoon him to offer him some comfort as his body heaved and sighed rapidly. I ended up being more like a crumb on the edge of the bed. I’m much better at being the little spoon.

I thought I wanted hope. But more than hope I actually want peace for him…and us. The kind of peace Fraser was able to share with me. This is his decision to make. I am trying to get clear on that.

Our kids, his Mom and I spoke earlier in the day, and although not a decision made lightly, they gave me permission to authorize a DNR last night. It was our way of showing him we are strong enough to face that possibility and are handing it over to him…and God.

Edit: please know Fraser is on so many machines and we will, of course(!!!!!) be keeping all interventions going for the foreseeable future. He is so loved and we are giving him time to feel all that is also offered here. I assure we are not giving up.💕 This blog is simply a way for me to express and share my experience and thoughts and the depth and reality of the decisions we are facing...and they aren't always pretty 😢

So now I will hope for peace along this journey. At the moment he is more peaceful once again. He is back on sedation and full ventilation as well as more antibiotics to help fight the pneumonia that refuses to leave.

It feels like a step backwards (good days and bad days I was told in the beginning) but it feels (and looks) more peaceful for now.

We still await news of transport so are in limbo and we are eager to bring him home. 🙏

Peaceful dreams all 🕊️