October 26 11:35 pm

As I watch the ‘beehive’ of activity from my ‘nest’ in the corner of the ICU room, I think about how many different life forms inhabit a tree. I think about a LOT of things, but at the monent, it's trees. :) The sounds of all that life buzzing about. Watching the nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists and pharmacists etc. make their way around this hive like the birds and the bees around a spring shrub. Separate in their own purpose yet connected through their habitation.

This hospital is like a tree. Various branches within; some holding life; some holding death; and some the in-between, where we are now. Each is necessary to honour the other.

The nurses have been most amazing. As busy as they are, buzzing about, they have made us feel special. They have looked after me each night as I curl up in the corner just grateful to be able to witness their work and be here with Fraser. They work on him gently and do their best to keep him (and me) comfortable.

The doctors? Grateful for the many experts offering their opinions (I sometimes forget they are opinions and not necessarily absolutes)…and also…I WISH THEY’D DUKE IT OUT before talking with us! One offers hope and 5 minutes later, another doctor thrashing that hope into a million pieces. I asked them to please be gentle with us. We haven’t done this before! Each day I pick a favourite based on their opinion. They love that 😁

In the beginning times (5-6 days-or an eternity ago), as I tried to adjust to this space, I wanted continuity with the nurses. I hated having to establish a new ‘routine’ each shift change. What I came to recognize is that it wasn’t as much about continuity for Fraser, but for me.

I had a hard enough time finding my feet and my way let alone a new nurse every day and night, each with their way of doing things. I cried earlier this week when one of them wanted to move the table beside my nest (chair/bed) where I’ve sat and slept overnight since I got here. I shared with her my fragility and said the table has been the only thing that has remained the same since this began. She went easy on me and offered me grace and compassion.

Each nurse has offered their own special gift, focus and perspective. It was scary at first, but once I had the courage to face my fragility, the table got moved from beside my nest and I was willing to allow new possibilities…one silly table move at a time.

So now, as we prepare for a new journey ahead I have to remember to allow myself, our children, his Mom and all of you ‘out there’ some grace and compassion as we navigate this journey ahead. There is no right way to do this except together.

Tonight I pray for hope….which I was reminded by some amazing friends this evening; hope is actually about connection. The outcome of this journey is still not ours to control but to witness.

Thank you for connecting with us in this space so we can bear witness together. Although separate, we are all connected through this great tree of life.

Sweet dreams💕