October 24 11:41 pm

I finally found a space to curl up on Fraser’s bed tonight. He has less tubes, or they are at least ‘consolidated’ into his PICC (line inserted into a large blood vessel that leads to his heart) to deliver his cocktail of medications. His tracheostomy and feeding tube were also inserted today. All that to say I felt more comfortable skootching his legs over so I could curl up with my blanket near the foot of his bed.

I realized I hadn’t told him where he is and why he (and we) are here. I know he hears us but I haven't spoken directly to him. So, I curled up, and through my sobs told him the story (the tears have found their release). I shared with him the journey we’ve been on and are about to embark upon. It’s scary. I shared with him all the amazing people who helped get us here. I shared with him the prayers and love and, all in all I'd say he was a really great listener.💕

.....and also, I wish he would have squeezed my hand…stroked my hair with his hand on my head....something. Anything.😢

So this is the journey we are about to embark upon. MRI results tomorrow to confirm CT and we will share once we know more. We will make our way home when cleared (could take a day or a week)…and make only one decision at a time. That is all that is needed right now…and all we can manage. I am so grateful the kids and Loreen are here. So grateful. 💕

His heart remains healthy (except for the unexplained blood pressure); pneumonia is still there but my onions totally worked 😉 and it doesn't seem to be as much of a concern; fully on cpap now (meaning he initiates the breaths on his own); and we will find out more about his beautiful brain tomorrow. Initial assessment (well, the 5th or 7th by now) is no longer promising. So we wait....again, and try to come to terms with this new news.

And that brings me to some practicality (because I’ve had some time to process)…I ask each one of you to get your Personal Directive in order! Fraser and I had that on our list of things to talk about in the next few weeks when he was done travelling....sure wish we'd made it more of a priority. I guess we are not, afterall, infallible.

I am still allowing this is his journey and I am not giving up but giving over. Here to witness and try to find the blessings.

My ‘find the blessings and hope’ bucket seems to be empty and/or filling up with a certainty…that doesn’t actually exist yet. We need some strength to continue hoping and being positive…and also this rollercoaster ride 10/10 is the worst ride ever. I ask you to continue holding us in your prayers. It is possibly the only reason we are still standing.

We want Fraser back but only if that’s what he chooses…and, perhaps selfishly I only want him to come back if he can come back fully to us. I know each of you understands but it is much easier to say those things casually…but in the midst of the shitstorm it feels selfish.  His journey but with my parameters/hopes. Ah, the art of letting go.

Thank you to each of you for joining us, and holding us, along this journey. Your presence is felt and I am once again limited by words to express our gratitude.

Tomorrow is a new day so someone, somewhere has held some space for new possibilities.

Hug your loved ones…and book an appt tomorrow to get your will and PD in order. That is a gift we are offering you. Find the blessing…and I hope to find some rest tonight. I am tired.

Sweet dreams