Yesterday I was a wife and today I’m a widow. Only hours have passed (ridiculously long hours), no major milestones 'since'....and I am now something new. Not of course in my mind and heart...yet(?). I’ve fluctuated between using past and present tense….I think it was helping me prepare for the future. And here we are.
As I receive so many stories of different aspects of ‘Fraser’ (he was something different to each of us), I am grappling with one thing (well, many fucking things, but this is at the forefront of the list for a minute)…forgiveness.
Fraser was the one who held me together these past few years. I could not take the hatred and division in our world and through his compassion (and tough talk) I chose to stay. He showed me his love. He said he needed me by his side (ditto Dotto!).
It was the loss of a friend of 14 years who told me ‘until I do the right thing’ she wouldn’t be around me. Or good friends who also had the same opinion and we have not heard from over the past few years. And then death. That is worth reaching out for…?
Death gives us perspective (one of the many gifts I hope to be open to). But how do you forgive when you weren’t good enough to see while alive? Being so afraid of death, people stopped living…and yet death found us anyways.
I suppose, on the flip side, however, there is the past. Perspective. Ugh. Those same people gave us some amazing laughs. We spent many vacations together and we meant something to each other at some point. They were like family. They gave me an oppprtinity to hear Fraser say, 'I need you by my side'. Perhaps those words might never have been uttered aloud.
Forgiveness is something we gift ourselves. It frees us from the bonds of sadness and loss. And I do not have enough room for more bonds of sadness and loss. That one is currently full.
So, I forgive you. And thank you. 🙏 I actually mean that....it makes me feel lighter(ish). We have a shared history….and that is what we are here to celebrate. A history. Or, more appropriately, His Story.
Thank you to ALL of you for sharing the gift of your memories of Fraser. Memories from high school; memories from work colleagues; memories from family….memories from people we met once or twice. He made an impact, my Man.
We end our day sitting quietly by the fire. Caelin snuggled with Mom's dog, Sophie; Connor snuggled up with Faya; Mom and I beside each other on the couch...the tears have been exhausting. Made it outside for a walk by the river even. I haven’t breathed that much fresh air for almost a month. I am grateful Fall has lingered so I could enjoy the sound of the leaves rustling as we walked.
But I missed Fraser.😢 We walked that trail just a few weeks ago. We fought…but we made up. That’s how relationship works (worked?). As I felt the trees and the leaves beneath my feet (yes, those who know me know I went barefoot…it’s the best) I tried to feel him around me. And I did. It gave me grace to enjoy the moment and not get caught in a swell of tears while walking. I will do that alone tonight. Surrounded by family and love…and still feel alone. Not all the time. It too comes in waves.
I have creyes….cry eyes. But we have laughed and celebrated and done real-life things like dishes. Another day has passed. And now we rest by the fire.
Peaceful dreams,
xo, Brooke
I am always aware that this is the time of year that the veil between the worlds is the thinnest. May you feel Fraser’s spirit near you as you walk and live in places you were in together. May you feel his love continue to envelop you even after his body is gone. Love is forever.
Beautifully written Brooke♥️! So happy to hear you got outside today! Awe nature, she never disappoints! Through time the waves will be less but never gone 🤗
A beautifully written piece, Brooke with words that encourage so many levels of thought, reflection, remembrance. You are a wonderful writer and your words have, with grace, allowed us to check in as we so strongly hoped for a different outcome.
We were at the airport last evening when we received word about Fraser’s passing. Sh*tballs. As I sat in silence, remembering many good times with he and your family, I reflected (and continue to do so) on life, loss of loved ones, and the journeys we must all take. Recalling that Fraser enjoyed a good Scotch (I have never found a ‘good Scotch - that stuff should be put on wounds!) so Vanessa and I stopped, ordered a ‘g…
Forgiveness. Acceptance. Love. All gifts you can give yourself. Hopefully, all people will realize that life is better with you in it. If not, fuck them. ;)
I love you.