November 8 1:11pm

Shins

I love time stamps….ie. 12:12/2:22/3:33 etc…but especially 11:11 or 1:11. (4:20 is fun too but for different reasons). I call it ‘Angel Time’. I believed that was my time to acknowledge the angels surrounding me. Whenever I would see one I would ask Fraser if he knew what time it was. He’d laugh because he knew what was coming….and before he could answer I’d say, ‘it’s auspicious time!!!’. He would roll his eyes and say, ‘Yah. It’s just time too’’. I’d roll my eyes at him…and we’d laugh. Not sure if it was with or at each other, but nonetheless, I took the moment to acknowledge my angels amongst some chuckles.

I had taken a break from coordinating his transfer and bed at home as well as in-home hospice care etc…as one ‘Instagram friend’ (a medic), whom I’ve never had the pleasure to meet said, ‘can I make the calls for you so you can be with your husband’. What an amazing gift she gave us without even knowing.

Today, at 1:11 pm as I laid beside Fraser and with his sister holding his hand, his breath got quieter. His body shook to one side and his last breath was taken…1:11 pm. No laughs for this auspicious time but an honouring of the angels surrounding us….perhaps even my newest Angel.🙏

Connor did not want to ‘leave’ Fraser and before we mustered the courage to leave he gave him the biggest hug. It gutted me to watch as I so wanted Fraser’s hand to somehow miraculously reach around his shoulders…something. But his body is all that is left without the soul we call ‘Fraser’.

I am going to miss Fraser’s hugs and everything else…and so much more beyond that…but also, his shins. Yes. I found his shins sexy. He would call me crazy, but I told him you can’t have shins like that and not be sexy. 😁 Maybe it’s because they were indicative of how big and strong he was. You can’t have amazing shins like that and not have the presence that Fraser had. So yes, his shins too.

With that, we are gathering with family and friends at home. My Mom (from Courtenay) has been here holding down the Fort; walking the dogs; shopping; organizing…letting me do what I need to do. It has been amazing.

And tomorrow….? I suppose we are on a new trajectory. To plan something that celebrates Fraser…as my friend Ana so eloquently put it, ‘remember to focus on Fraser’s strength and not his absence’. Easier said than done as he has left a huge hole for many of us….but if you get quiet, place your hand on your chest, take a deep breath and remember him. And if you are here and didn’t know him, do that for someone you love but can’t physically touch….they are here always…just not in ‘all’ ways.

Much love as we share our tears.

xo, Brooke