November 5 9:15 pm

Northern Lights appeared as we walked this evening...I've never seen them in Calgary before

Love

I was invited to, again join Fraser ‘in his place’ where he currently exists. Although we were together, he sat me in a chair beside him but facing opposite him this time. I was curious why we couldn’t face the same way and I heard (really more of a feeling), ‘we can’t see things the same now’.

As I pondered my next thought/question, my heart pounded a little harder (I could hear my own heart beat); the tears welled up; my chest was in my throat and I wanted him to know, to feel, ‘I love you’. So, as I tried to express it, in as much as a feeling way I could, his response didn’t seem to match the physical emotions I was experiencing.

As I felt that moment almost explode, he seemed very ‘casual’ about it and I heard, ‘I know’.

I suppose, to be in a place of such love and oneness, this is just the way it is. It is not confounded (a word the doctor used in her meeting with us) by all the other emotions or physicality of those emotions. It was so beautiful (comforting?) to ‘know’ love without having to express anything.

Angry tears fall to your cheeks, while  grief tears fall down your neck and onto your chest. They keep welling up and joining other tears in a cascade…almost like the shower drips on the wall. My tears are making their way past anger and onto my chest with sadness and grief.

To be fair, Fraser and I loved hard…and we fought hard. It wasn’t like we were always mushy and lovey…(in spite of any emotion you get from my posts. They are one sided and have the benefit of life and death perspective). We are both very independent….and deeply in love, but we worked at it. There were times when my Mom would say to me, ‘you need to talk to your best friend’. And that was Fraser…he was my best friend….even when he was being ridiculous (it’s true. In spite of how many of you know him, he did get grumpy every now and then😉).

Fraser did not like PDA’s (public displays of affection) and I just wanted to hold his hand. So, I remedied it by grabbing his butt. Right there in the +15 at work where everyone could see. He would immediately grab my hand….So…balance? 😁

And that’s how we worked. Providing balance for each other and a sense of love without having to necessarily express it in ways that we would normally attribute to ‘love’. He is experiencing love on a whole new level…he seems further away now…but closer to ‘love’ and isn’t that the ultimate gift we can give?

With love as you sleep,

xo, Brooke