Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
That’s about as articulate as I can get today. My thoughts are scattered and I don’t understand…but who can?! What is there to understand?
Understanding is to ‘perceive the intended meaning’…but what meaning could ever satisfy the questions and loss that each day seems to remind me of?
All this in the midst of trying to celebrate my birthday. Weirdest birthday ever (this one might be THE biggest understatement I’ve made yet). So blessed am I, even now, as I ‘celebrate’ another journey around the sun. Being celebrated by friends who brought me a slice of lemon loaf with a candle; a friend who made us a roast beef dinner; friends who came to wash Fraser’s feet and anoint him as we prayed; friends who brought cinnamon buns and breakfast cookies; so many messages and texts….Although I do not, nor will I likely ever understand this situation, I am reminded that I/we are surrounded by an incredible group of people. And now THAT is the biggest understatement. (I’ll keep allowing myself to make understatements that outdo the previous one).
During rounds one morning my eyes welled up as I was trying to speak. I began apologizing and then looked at the doctors and remarked that, ‘I suppose if ever there was a time for tears and emotion it’s now’ and I let them come. I am beyond grateful for the many of you who have allowed me a safe place to feel vulnerable and not feel like I have to apologize for my emotions that come in waves.
If I/we must go through ‘this’ I cannot imagine going through it alone. And I do not feel alone in the slightest. I am held by your generosity, tears that I can’t cry and tears that are shared between us.
Fraser was an amazing gift giver and never disappointed. Perhaps this year’s gift is showing me the blessing of people that I am surrounded with…and that has been a most amazing gift....and yes, I miss him more as each day passes, but both truths can co-exist.
Tonight we have an opportunity to turn back time…at least for an hour (remember the time change!). It won’t change anything but it does let me feel better about getting this out sooner so we can all ‘sleep’.
Sweet dreams all☺️
Reminds me of your cinnamon buns, so good, is that why Feya is the picture? she loves them too, mum and I were talking the other day about her eating them lol
Love and hugs to you all from Rothes
Dog love!! Let it help heal you. Cry when you feel it. But it's OK if you don't. Feel what you feel; it's neither right or wrong. It's our thoughts that make those judgments, but feeling are whatever they are.
So happy to hear you know you are not alone! You will never be alone, although you may still, at times feel lonely. That can be remedied.
I love you. Happy Fuckin Birthday!!
What fresh fuckery is this, Faya?! Fuckstockings does your mother ever write well. What a talent. Fuck Fraser, you’re missing out on all of the other favourite F words.