A gift of acknowledgements from Fraser's colleagues
I’ve been sitting and exploring some of this sadness….what else is there to do besides acknowledge it and sit with it? It came for tea, so I'll explore a bit. It would be easy to simply acknowledge this sadness as, ‘missing Fraser’. Well no shit!!!! It’s been 8 weeks since I saw him (he dropped Laurie and I off at the airport to go to Orlando); 6 weeks since I came to his bedside in Vegas and 3 weeks since….the punctuation mark on his life.
So yes, I absolutely miss so many things about Fraser. But, as I’ve sat with it, some of my sadness isn’t ‘just’ the ‘missing’ of him…it’s the wishing and the hoping. And this time it’s not missing out on future events and memories or hoping we could do more; all of that still comes, but this is different.
During my telling of Fraser’s story on Sunday, I spoke about how proud he was of Connor, Caelin…and myself. He told us all so. I hoped he could also be proud of his accomplishments and went on to go through some of them. After seeing so many colleagues, some from years past, I am seeing Fraser in a new light. How amazing to see someone, after 35 years and still see a different side…in a good way.
Some of my tears are wishing I could tell him, just one more time, how proud I was of him. And not so he simply heard it, but felt it and knew it to be true. I have tears when I wonder if he knew that. Like, truly truly knew. So that is some of my sadness. Did I do enough? Did I tell him enough? Did he truly know and feel it? Was I in tune enough with his Love Languages to show him so HE could receive and feel it?
AND, as importantly, I hope he knows I feel it now too. He would tell me he was proud of me and I would thank him and then likely shrug it off soon after. Clearly he didn't see the total me and was missing something. He was just 'comfortable' with me after 35 years and was just something he should say....Oh man, the self-destruct self-talk is powerful!
But, how ridiculous! Truly! Of course he meant it! He said it! It came from him. Why would I doubt him? Why would he lie to me? He wouldn’t. 'Be impeccable with your words'....We don’t lie about those kinds of things…why would we?! See?! Ridiculous!
I wish I could tell him, ‘thank you’ one more time. Thank you for You. Thank you for our family; for believing in me; supporting me;Thank you for challenging me (sometimes…lol); thank you for being such a positive force in so many people’s lives. Thank you….
I am glad he got to be a part of so many lives. The memorial guest book from Plains Midstream (full with letters from his colleagues), along with the many notes I have received tells me how respected he was…and I hope he knew that. Because,again, why would anyone lie about that?
I wish Fraser knew…no, felt(!), all I feel for and from(!) him now. I hope, as part of the All, he can feel it now. It was always there but it might have gotten shoved behind some life boxes and maybe peered out every now and then, but isn’t it funny that life has a way of getting in the way of what really matters. Love. Love for each other, and no less important, love for ourselves.
xo, Brooke
p.s. …does Plains Midstream want these golf balls back after hearing Glenn’s speech? 😁
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