In retrospect, I think I was only just sad before. Grief hits differently than sadness. I’ve had a few pangs of grief over the past few weeks but they were gone before the settled in. Well, this grief is setting in a bit longer than I’d like. My stomach feels nauseous; my chest feels heavier and my neck is…so looking forward to my massage tomorrow. I decided my body needed some prioritizing.
Fraser travelled for work. Waaay back when we first lived together (in the late 1900’s) Fraser would be gone for three weeks sometimes. I missed him…and I’d feel sad. It’s the kind of sad that you know can be healed; or the space can be filled again soon. That’s what I’ve been feeling. A ‘missing’ him kind of sadness. But it’s setting in that he isn’t coming back. Grief leaves a much deeper space.
None of this is made easier with the ‘business of dying’. I now carry around our birth certificates; marriage certificate; death certificate….we are now pieces of paper in a file. That doesn’t help. I had a meeting to fill out ‘papers’ at the Funeral home today…it hadn’t occurred to me that I might be asked to bring Fraser home. I thought I was prepared…I was not. Turns out he wasn’t ready yet either. That works…kind of.
The tears today are always at the ready. I don’t want them to ‘stand-down’…they need to get out, but seriously, they could take a hint that they aren’t always necessary! I offer myself compassion, and I wish my tears would do the same.
And I wish I could feel lighter! Early sleep; massage tomorrow; checking things off the to-do list…friends offering help all over the place…coming back to gratitude. Grief and gratitude…they go together like peas and carrots. ☺️
xo, Brooke
Grief is gut wrenching. Grief is all encompassing - as it needs to be. For a short while anyway. You will never recover (sorry, hate to tell you that) BUT you WILL learn how to deal with things as you move forward. You are one of the strongest individuals I know, m'dear, and have an innate way of making situations better. I realize that is little consolation to you at the moment, but with the attitude of gratitude the peas and carrots are enhanced with the lube that is you. Sorry. Only connection I could come up with.
I'll never know the ache of losing a spouse, or the love of my life; I've just lost my parents. The ache and the unmet expectation of seeing them walk through the door, or answer a phone call will ease, somewhat. But it remains. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is here to stay in some way. It does ease up with gratitude. You are doing this right too. It's a bit annoying how quickly you catch on to things.