November 2 9:30 pm

Fraser bought me a book of poetry for Christmas. Sometimes I open a book to any page and see what wisdom it has to offer.  Yesterday, as I set out to read it aloud to him just before ‘rounds’ (this is a meeting outside each patient’s door where an attending Doctor; Nutritionist; Pharmacist; Respiratory Therapist; nurse and any other Resident Doctors etc. meet to discuss the patient inside), I opened the page to this poem:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning, a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

Who violently sweep your house

Empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out

For some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

Because each has been sent,

As a guide from beyond.

~Rumi

How that hit as I stepped into the hallway to hear, ‘no meaningful  improvement’ (it was said over 20 minutes, but that was the gist of it). I am surprised sometimes at my ability to stand there and be held up when I actually feel like falling. I can only believe God, Fraser, and all your prayers are holding me up. I feel a strange calm come over me and I suppose it is to allow these moments in just like any other.

It seems the roller coaster has turned into the slackline of swaying back and forth but it’s at least not as ‘topsy-turvy’ as the rollercoaster that existed just last week. The hour-by-hour changes have turned into a day by day…hope(lessness)? Lesson in patience? Lesson in believing in miracles? Lesson in gratitude? Lesson in giving over? There is no fighting them. They all exist.

There are days where I feel this is not my reality. And yet here I am. Here we are!

I thank all of you for holding space so I can grieve (im)possibility; find peace in the now and hope for miracles that suit Fraser’s desires. (I think I have a theme going). I will try to remember to invite all the sorrow; the joy; the destruction; the love; the hope; the hopelessness; the depression etc.

They are all part of the guest house we share in this human experience. What else is there to being human if not the ability to feel? I believe that is why we are so limited by words…maybe we are meant to feel more than ‘explain’ using words.

When I Iie in bed, between sleep and dreams(ish), is when I hear/feel Fraser the most. There are words, but without emotion I am open to the expanse of feelings as they wash over me. I wish we could have shared that, as oftentimes, emotion/words would get in the way of feelings (or the inability to comprehensively describe such 'feelings' and our communication would get ‘squirrelly’...'clusterfucked' is an appropriate word too.

I am now far more aware of the feelings that are actually larger than words have the ability to describe.  We’re far better at communicating now, or so it seems, than when we had words between us. Don’t get me wrong, he’s very agreeable to my words still (we are human afterall)…and, I mean, he is letting me drive his car. 😉

I leave you with peaceful feelings as you sleep. Thoughts just keep us awake, so put them to sleep and allow feelings of peace to take over. There is nothing to do…but Be.