'My body has been a good friend, but I won't need it in the end' ~ Cat Stevens
I’m grappling with existence and our connection to the physical. No biggie. Just life and it’s meaning. What our body provides. What our soul is. You know…all the things that need to be thought of before coffee.
We were notified that Fraser’s body was to be cremated this morning. We chose not to be there today. We have our memory of ‘Fraser’ and truly, even though his body has literally been reduced to ashes (sorry if that’s morbid...it's a fact), he still remains with us. The body is a vessel for our soul. That was our belief. we talked about it. I had to remind myself as I felt a pang of guilt for a moment. There were more tears as I set a candle where we have his glasses and photos….it appears I am still tied to his physical.
One more ‘finality’ in a row of ‘finality’s’…then we will pick up his ashes and have to do something with those. Are we honouring him? Who wants a piece of him? (Sounds weird in writing). Would we like to spread his ashes and where? How would we like to ‘remember’ him? For me, it’s right here in my heart….no ashes needed, thanks.
Either way, it’s a long good-bye.
When people pass we talk about how they are ‘closer to God’ and ‘in a better place’. But, here’s the catch….is God (whatever you connect with) not available to us at all times? Why do we have to die before we can connect with the essence that many of us might call upon in death? Why are we so distracted with the physical that we can’t seem to connect with the energy All around us?
I don’t ‘feel’ Fraser as close anymore. But I feel him in a more vast(?) sense…(words are silly. Have I mentioned that?). Instead of feeling him close to my physical presence it’s almost like he’s more a part of the ‘All’. Like the breeze…it feels more…purposeful(?); dense (in a good way?). Hmmm….maybe I feel his ‘essence’ more now rather than as much of a connection to what his physical self offered to the world…despite the physical reminders on the mantle. Those will likely be the last to go. Hard to say.
Perhaps Fraser’s energy feels different because he is even more a part of the ‘All/God/Source…’. If that’s the case then I feel more open to sensing 'ALL'. Fraser’s absence is offering me a beautiful gift…if I’m open to it…to be more fully connected...scratch that. To be more aware of that which surrounds me. We are always connected.
Ok. Fuck. Seriously! That hurt even my brain. Thanks for joining me on a mental gymnastics routine of a theoretical mind! Good grief.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust….Miles from nowhere…and yet everywhere.
Fly away my love. We'll be here.
Xo, Brooke
Brooke your words are so meaningful. We'll be here for you as well.
Also I can't remember if I'd posted here about Thantology. It is the ology of death. I feel your words exude what I've learned about it. I have read books on it and it is truly true. Rather than not talking about death or ignoring the idea until it happens, such a natural partbod life.
dearest friend, I love the words you had expressed in here. Body and Mind are dimensions of time. Energy ( or soul, or spirit or whatever someones wish to call) is a dimension that is not related to time neither space. Body and Mind has density. Energy has not. So yes, what was called Fraser now is part of Whole and to feel within you that Fraser is now the ALL IT IS, is pretty wonderful. We all are, however the density of our body and mind trapped us in boundaries, in time and in space. Once we are no longer, then we fully commune once again with Source. The very fact you are realising and experiencing this in grief,…
I think you've expressed this quite well. Our mind and our bodies are completely
separate even when our bodies are alive. Ketamine has made that crystal clear to me. Eventually we will each find out where the energy of ourselves goes. I like the idea you have expressed; it becomes part of the All.
Also, depending on who you speak to, they will tell you they are in contact with God.
So, go with what feels right to you. Fraser would never have left you physically if his vessel could have kept going. We all need to be more mindful and live in the present and feel/hear/see what life is presenting to us. You are leading the way for me!
Me too… each evening I wait to hear how you’ve navigated another day and then I admire your insights and ache also for your collective pain. Sending you continuous love and strength and honouring the “home” of Fraser’s essence today xo
I check each night to read your thoughts of the day. My own thoughts are filled with thoughts of you and the kids right now. We are not close although I count you as a dear friend, just a simple connection over the years and a lot of respect for the incredibly brave and caring person you are. Keep writing and sharing Brooke - I’ll keep praying.