November 15 7:45pm

It’s been 6ish hours and 7 days (not quite the Sinead song but close). I pulled into the Banff Springs Hotel (my dear friend offered to share her room with me) at 1:11pm. It’s been exactly one week. Not since ‘it’ began, but since things had ‘finality’. I can’t even quite utter the words.

First thing I saw as I walked to the lobby was the staircase where we took this photo in September. Yes, I had tears. But tears of a happy memory. More tears (*during a much needed massage) as I realized that 31 years ago, in the late 1900’s (December 1992) Fraser asked me to marry him at this very hotel.

We were driving to Vancouver from Edmonton to see family before Christmas and decided to treat ourselves to a stay at the Banff Springs hotel. We treated ourselves to a room and fancy dinner we could barely afford..if not at all. After dinner we went for a walk to see all the beautiful Christmas trees that lined the path outside. I admit (and am still slightly embarrassed) I was kind of grumpy. I mean, I was expecting to be asked ‘The’ question…he had plenty of opportunity not only that week but particularly that day…or during our fancy dinner..but, nothing! Nothing! Did he even care?!

Fraser was a bit nervous about getting married. What if it didn’t work out? What if we got a divorce? What if….meh. I figured we should try and see what happens. Divorce wasn’t the end of the world and the only guarantee I offered him was that I would keep trying to make it work until when/if we decided it wasn’t working anymore. That seemed reasonable.

We had lived together for two years (ish)…not officially and we have (had) different versions of what that looked like; had been dating for 4 years (I was 15 when we met; 16 when we started dating) so figured we could just wing it! I am more of a risk taker and Fraser liked to plan and know outcomes. Those offered both challenges and balance in our relationship.

So, as we walked along the tree lit path Fraser stopped and held my hand up. He had given me a ruby ‘promise ring’ and said he wanted to see it. He slipped it off my finger and got down on his knee. The excitement I kept putting at bay was finally here..and my grumpies disappeared! He said he knew we couldn’t afford an actual engagement ring and would it be ok to use this one as he slipped it back on my finger and asked me to please marry him.

I said yes.

As we hugged I noticed an extra sparkle on my hand (I love sparkles)…he had bought me a diamond engagement ring with two baguettes on either side. It was beautiful. I squealed in delight…had a pang of guilt at the $ spent, and then decided fuck it. We’ll figure it out. And we did! 29 years of marriage later.

The next morning as we gassed

up the car for the next leg of our adventure I bought a bridal magazine. Thank God there wasn’t Pinterest back then! When Fraser got back in the car he said, ‘What the hell?! We just got engaged and now you want to plan the wedding?!’ Yes Fraser, that’s how this works.

And that’s how we worked. Challenging each other’s boundaries (that was mostly my ‘job’) and offering each other (mostly him offering me) stability. I once wanted to rent a property that was an old schoolhouse…AND, they had just planted 100 tulips for the spring!! He wanted to know how far it was from town. So silly! Thank God my Mom taught me how to speak ‘Fraser’ and offer some practical ‘selling points’. Apparently 100 tulips was not enough for Fraser.

…and don’t get me wrong, the gushing love in this blog is ridiculous sometimes. We were hardly as mushy as this blog, but these are my memories for now. The fights etc. are so insignificant now. Hindsight offers grace for those moments when we lost ourselves (sometimes for months) in daily life. We offered each other balance….he offered me  stability and I like to think I offered him some opportunity to have fun in life and just wing it sometimes!

Although I won’t ‘wing’ his party, I’m looking forward to hearing people share stories and laughter…and yes, there will be tears, but those are good. Doesn’t the saying go, ‘tears are joy finding their way home’? The tears are because we remember the joy…they just have a final resting place in our hearts now. We can surround them with tulips so each year they show up and bring joy to our hearts…hmmm….maybe we should have 100 tulips at his party?

Sweet dreams!

xo, Brooke 💐

*Allison at Banff Springs was lovely. As I hugged her at the end of my massage I thanked her for holding space for my grief (the tears made it obvious). That is not actually easy but she simply went about her business and said it was an honour to be here with me. As I was leaving, the staff gave me a bag with a little treat (bath and body oil) and a card offering me some words of encouragement. It's those little touches that make a world of difference. ...and now a bourbon/scotch Old Fashion🙏

Slainte! (Pronounced Slan-gee)