Faya helping me write this evening
This morning I got up; showered; got dressed; did my hair and decided today I was going to be ok...or at least try to look like the part of me that was feeling ok. And even though I hit the wall yesterday, I was ok then too!
And since I was feeling 'ok' today, I decided to unpacked Fraser’s suitcase. At first it was simply a task that needed to get done…and much easier to compartmentalize this as simply a ‘task’. As I held one of his shirts I took a moment and debated. Should I just throw it in the drawer, or should (could?) I hold it a little closer. It was crumpled which meant he had worn it (the rest were folded waiting for their turn on the golf courses in Vegas).
I knew what would happen, but I held it to my face anyways. It smelled like him. I couldn’t have possibly hugged it any closer to my body. As I wept I heard myself saying, ‘I can do this. I can do this’. And then I realized I WAS doing it. It didn’t have to ‘look’ a certain way so I started saying, ‘I AM doing this. I am doing this.‘ It changed my mindset and I felt a calm come over me. It became another way I could honour Fraser. To at least clean our (yes, ‘our’) room and put his clothes away….for now…and snuggle with some of them too. That was ok. It felt good to clean and find the floor again. The mess on the floor no longer had to mirror what I was feeling inside.
I keep hearing, ‘it’s ok not to be ok’….but I am ok…I think? I feel like shit, sometimes, but that’s ok. Other times I feel great and like everything is normal…and although that seems weird, that’s ok too! Sometimes being ok means feeling like crap…just don’t want to allow that visitor to overstay their welcome. Welcome it in, but don’t let it stay.
What is not ok is that a teeny memorial diamond is about $8k!! Seriously! Fascinating to find out that some ‘people’ (bodies?) make blueish diamonds; some are more
golden or other hues…and with that price tag I will never find out what colour Fraser would be (or how big a Diamond he would make)...and that’s ok too. ☺️
What I know for sure is that all is ok…even when it doesn’t feel like it is.
xo, Brooke
I read all your post daily. I Can almost feel your emotions and this situation has made me appreciate every living day with gratitude. It has reminded me that life is fragile, anything can happen at any moment. Oh and Faya 🐾❤️ doggie hugs are the best.
I find this a moving photo. Human and dog connected. Faya gets it and she is going to look after you Brooke.
You got this even if you don’t ! ♥️🤗🙏
Sorry I keep getting Faya's name wrong. She can call me Donna for awhile.
Happy to hear you aren't making Fraser's remain into a diamond. (The death industry seems to have gotten creative) I'm so sorry someone didn't already intercept Fraser's luggage and take care of it for you, but pleased you got some comfort from the smell.
It is ok to feel whatever you feel. Feelings aren't right or wrong, positive or negative. It is the interpretation we make of our feelings that makes all the difference!! As you already know, it's nicer to link a positive interpretation to a feeling. You can acknowledge negative thoughts but let them slip on by to be replaced with positive ones. This is very hard to do, but you seem to totally get it. You cont…