I hit a wall today. Trying to sort out the ‘business of dying’ dropped me to the floor. Just needed to crumple by my desk for a minute so I could just…quit for a second. Just quit.
With my Mom’s hand on my shoulder I (mostly) gathered myself and had my friend take me to her gym. It wasn’t my usual gym where Fraser and I went. I just can’t get there yet. It felt good to move my body but I could only really stare at my feet in the mirror as we went through the exercises. I did look up a few times and holy man…I looked a little rougher than I thought! You know how some people wear their emotions on their sleeve? Well my emotions are clearly on my face…and my workout pants were baggy(ish)-ew. Oi…oi oi
My body has finally had a workout so I am physically tired…and my brain? Well, it’s exhausted too. Too many thoughts…and then too many feelings and thoughts about those feelings. I feel tired when I think about having to feel more feelings tomorrow. (We would often joke about Fraser’s one feeling…maybe he was onto something! Lol).
I am grateful for the chinook ridge that allowed the sun to shine through this afternoon so I could feel its warmth on my face as we walked by the river. I was supposed to be packing for a trip to Costa Rica soon…Fraser needed a holiday. And now it is I who ‘needs’ the holiday…but it will have to wait.
Forward I go but I feel like I’m fighting with the wall a bit more today. It's pushing up against me as I live through my day. It hasn't really done that to me yet. I am beyond grateful for my brother who keeps telling me, ‘you don’t have to do this alone. We are all here with you’. And although family is around, it’s good to hear it out loud sometimes. Then I don’t feel like I ‘should’ be coping ‘better’. I’ve always said we need to stop ‘shoulding’ on ourselves so much anyways. I have awesome advice…for others.
Maybe tomorrow’s roller-coaster will allow me to coast for a bit. That’d be nice! I’m going to request a refund on this ride, thank you very much! Tomorrow is a new day, and I have appointments so I will do my best to look (feel!) more presentable…if only for myself. I shall call it, ‘Tearful chic’ ☺️
xo, Brooke
P.S. I am so grateful some of you are getting your Wills and Personal Directives in order! Is your life insurance up to date as well? Try to take care of it while you’re alive…it’s just easier that way...pinky swear🙏
Oh Brooke! Love and hugs to you! If it's one thing witnessing you going through this, it's getting the message loud and clear to get the paperwork in order. Even when my step dad passed last May, just the info for the death certificate was overwhelming, and I realized Bill and my kids might not know some of that info - never mind the rest!
Take help where you can; rest when you can/need. Breath. And know that by taking us on this journey with you, you are supported in all sorts of unique ways every step of the way ❤️
Like I said before Brooke you are utterly amazing, still sharing your daily feelings and activities with us,we are all behind you and still find it hard to believe this isn’t just a bad
dream.Love you all 💕
I hope you realize that most people trying to cope with such pain would be trying to drown the sorrow or eat their way to suppressing the pain. My first stop on my way home from watching my dad die was Dairy Queen. Not you! You give yourself a workout. Please see the incredible, amazing, stronger than reinforced steel, "fabulous" Brooke your friends and family see. You are providing a master class in how to do "this".
I am so grateful you have family and good friends with you to pick you up and dust you off to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My heart continues to break for you. The price you are paying for finding your partner and special love in your teens is very high indeed. Try to concentrate on the lottery you won by finding Fraser and being his partner for 39 years. Remind yourself of the love and experience that most people (including me) will never know but you got to live.
Yes! lean on those who are around you. You are not alone despite the deep chasm you feel in your chest. Reach out for others no…