Random thoughts:
1. Waterproof mascara is more water ‘resistant’…maybe it’s the salt from tears that render it useless? Either way, I thought I’d try it today. It lasted 10 minutes this morning.
2. I’m driving Fraser’s vehicle. It’s easier…my parents have Caelin’s; she has mine…I get Fraser’s. Dominos. It kept telling me I needed to get gas today. Apparently life, like gas, gets used up until you have no more left. I saw the gas gauge and it was half-full (yes, I'm a half-full kinda gal)!! Like, chill tf out ‘Babe’ (his car’s name)…soooo, apparently that was actually the temperature gauge that was half full🤣. Fuck. I figured it out shortly....but, C’mon brain! Work WITH ME!
3. I was looking for a photo for last night’s post. I had Fraser’s phone and sent myself some of his photos. My tears fell as I looked through his photo album…they were mostly of me with the odd ones of other friends or the one selfie he took in response to one I sent him. He took photos when I didn’t know. I felt admired. ❤️
After a few minutes, and being actually ready for bed I picked up my phone. FRASER TEXTED ME!!! My heart LEAPT…...only to come crashing into sounds that were a crescendo of excitement, then when reality hit, ended with heaves of sorrow and grief that were upon me again. Caelin had the grace to simply put her hand on my shoulder. Omg how I needed her to hold me down to earth.
4. I am so grateful for my kids. Truly. They have an amazing way of allowing my sobs and tears that well-up in the most inconvenient of times. They don’t want to fix it…I mean they do, I’m sure, but knowing they can’t they simply give me the space to allow. How beautiful to cry like that with no expectation of having to come out the other side smiling and laughing. It’s enough to simply uncurl myself and take a breath before I can move. That is how I feel loved.
5. Speaking of kids….yesterday, as I was coming to terms with my new title of ‘widow’ I asked Caelin what she was now. It was meant to offer some humour because I already had a thought….were she and Connor now bastards? (You have to know my sense of humour). We started laughing hysterically trying to come up with other, more fitting terms. Some appropriate and some so far beyond that we doubled over in more hysterical laughter. Caelin said one of her friend’s said maybe ‘half orphans’?
So, my children are now whorphans. The W is silent…and it makes me laugh. Because laughter is good…and some things, although silent can still bring smiles to our face and laughter to our body. Thank you Fraser. You are silent but omg are you 'here'.❤️
Laughing; crying; laugh crying….all is well (as can be).🙏
xo, Brooke
I cry-laughed when I read this 😘❤️ thinking of you guys
Screw the mascara Brooke - you are so beautiful inside and out. There is no need. It’s why Fraser had all those pictures of you. I am glad for your humor and it is important to laugh to let the emotion out -crying is exhausting.
sending you my love.
Love the pic Brooke, so like uncle Grant in this one 💙🏴 love to you all 🙏🏻
Of course he'd be taking photos of you!
I ache for what you are going through. So pleased the kids are staying close. I look forward to seeind you December 1 to 5. I love you guys. Keep feeling, keep supporting each other. There is no other way through.
Love this! There’s his sense of humour, his mischievousness and his love, 3 of many more words that describe Fraser 💙
Just forgo the mascara, wear a bright lipstick 💕
Keep the tears, the laughter and the laughing tears coming, they will help you to release, and take ‘Babe’ for a good rip on the hwy listening to Fraser’s fav tunes 💕
Time, remember you have time xx