June 28, 2024 2something a.m.

‘You exist in this life in the world of the relative, where one thing can exist only insofar as it relates to another. This is at one and the same time both the function and purpose of relationship: to provide a field of experience within which you find yourself, define yourself, and-if you choose-constantly recreate Who You Are.’

~Conversations with God

Neale Donald Walsh

I can’t sleep. I played golf with friends the other night (the way I played is enough to make anybody not sleep. Lol). As I walked along the fringe looking for my ball I thought about how Fraser used to be able to find my ball so easily, and how we grew to enjoy golfing together. And it came as a blow how that will never happen again. Our hours spent together on the golf course will never happen again.

He will never get to have all these brambles stuck to his entire shin while he looked for my ball…

And then I had a panic attack. I couldn’t catch my breath.

Those usually happen when all the feelings come and I try to suppress them…so I can at least finish my stupid game! My friends were too saavy to let it pass and offered what they could and I was grateful for the support and hugs. But the tears came anyways as I tried to breathe. How does someone just cease to exist? How will we never be together again?

I have been part of ‘Brooke and Fraser’ for many (many!) more years than I was ‘just’ Brooke. I was 16. Who knows who they are at 16?! More importantly, who am I now, at over 3X that age(!), in relationship to Fraser not being here by my side? To experience, find, and define myself as Brooke…since my partner, my Love, just…disappeared.

Wait! Fraser has almost mastered the perfect magic trick!

He…disappeared. He forgot the rest of the trick (you know, the magnificent return!) or maybe I misunderstood how magic is supposed to work. Ok, let’s be real. His magic trick sucked. Some magic!

But seriously, how does someone just cease to exist? Just….gone. All the things left behind that once had meaning and usefulness have now become placeholders, paused at the moment in between. The moment where ‘things’ had meaning and the next moment where they are simply things again.

I am the placeholder for a large piece of Fraser’s life. I am left to remember the path behind us, with amazing adventures but also remember the dreams we had for our future. Neither provides much solace, so I too am paused at the moment in between. The moment where our road came to an end and a new path of dreams, yet to be imagined, lies ahead…but one I must discover and travel on my own.

Our journey was had. My life today represented by choices of our past. Photos and memories that prove our existence; his existence, but sometimes still feels like a dream (did I mention I’m not a fan of this particular dream?). Maybe the gravitas of each memory weighs more heavily with a different perspective. The perspective of absence.

And with that perspective off I go. To go forth and recreate who I am; to re-mind mySelf; and to re-member mySelf. VanGoh will help me travel new fields of experience to find and explore different possibilities of Me. Maybe I’ll even find my golf ball along the way!

vroom vroom 🚐

xo,

Brooke