July 2, 2024 10p.m.

I don’t want to ‘tomorrow’. ‘Tomorrow’ is Fraser’s, or ‘would be’ Fraser’s 55th birthday. How unfair for him not to be here.

How do we celebrate his birth when his death has arrived. Fraser and I acknowledged that as soon as we’re born we are dying; some of us just to forget to live while we’re dying (there songs about it for a reason). We didn’t. Fraser didn’t. When our friend, Rob, died at 18 it was his gift to remind us of life. I didn’t forget (we got another reminder with Sprout) but I did forget Rob had to die so that we may remember to live.

I suppose to feel this grief means I am living. This is actually part of life. (10 thumbs down in this review-that doesn’t even make sense and I don’t care). The constant changeover of dying so something can live (nature) and live that something may die to make way for more ‘new’.

I suppose tomorrow will come. And I will be grateful but I will not forget that the man whom we are celebrating was brought to life 55 yrs ago. Thank you Loreen, for bringing this man to us. Your son. Christine’s brother. My husband. Connor and Caelin’s dad. Uncle. The list goes on. He was something to everyone who knew him and tomorrow we celebrate him.

Tomorrow will come and I will be sad. I am sad. I miss him. And tonight it’s hitting harder. And I will go to sleep and be blessed to wake up with another day ahead of me. After-all, don’t we miss that our loved ones don’t get another day? If the day is so miserable why wish they were here? So it could suck for them too? Hmmm….fair’s fair right? Okay. Fine. I will allow my sadness but being miserable doesn’t seem like good use of the gift of a day, even though I wish I could share it with him.

I will sleep and try to come up with a way to celebrate him tomorrow. We had a plan but I’m not sure if I feel up to it, thus, not wanting to ‘tomorrow’. I guess I will see what inspiration can come to me in my dreams. (Although I do manage to sleep, I don’t actually feel like  I dream but I like to wish for it…maybe tonight will be the night!)

Til tomorrow.

Good night and sweet dreams

xo, Brooke