January 7 8:54pm

Faya and her faithful leader

Our doggo….but, you know when they misbehave? Then they are definitely someone else’s dog. This week (most really)Faya was Fraser’s dog.

Fraser had a special affection for Faya…and she for him. After we lost our first dog, Sadie, (She died. Again, we didn’t ‘lose’ her..it does take the edge off though doesn’t it) Fraser, who didn’t want a dog in the first place, found it harder than he anticipated and swore we’d never get another dog…spoiler alert…that didn’t work. The morning after she passed I found a large ball of her fur on the desk in our kitchen. I wasn’t sure where it came from and Fraser, who always seemed to find something to say about her ‘fur all over the place’ , said this, ‘I just couldn’t bear throwing it away’. That gutted me. I had never really seen Fraser be so emotional before…and yes, over a dog, for those who don’t understand. And for those that do? Well, you know. So, we put her ball of fur in a small jar and it still stays on bookshelf to this day alongside some of her collars.

*interesting to think about that now with all my musings about ashes and ‘ties’ etc. I might have to revisit some of my thinking 🤔

Our first fur-heart, Sadie💕

2002-2017

2 years after Sadie died, I made Fraser say, out loud, ‘Yes. We can get ‘the’ dog’. There was no, ‘Mhmm’ or ‘I don’t care’, it HAD to be an emphatic, ‘YES!’ so we were clear WE were making the decision. Her Mom was a rescue and Faya was staying with a foster family. We had a visit with her and omigoodness….she was adorable. She came in; tucked herself under Connor and sat right beneath him. She came to us at 7 months after having been adopted twice(!) but given back because, 1. ‘We thought having a baby and new puppy would be a great idea’ and 2. ‘We didn’t know she was going to be such a big dog’. People really are stupid. She’s a German Shepherd X…duh!

Fraser had a special gift with dogs….whether he liked it or not. When we would have ‘visitor’ pups, Fraser would take them both on leash, around the block. There may be snarling etc. but he walked them at a brisk pace, and when they came back they came in the front door together and, if not friends, at the very least they were able to tolerate each other in the confines of our house. Every night Faya would sit by Fraser and around 8 pm she’d place her head on his lap. He’d ask her what she wanted and I kept telling him she’s just saying, ‘I love you’. She really wanted a walk…but, especially in winter (shhhh), I preferred, ‘I love you’. So, he’d get dressed and take her for walk around the block. That’s love…for both Faya AND me.

When I brought Faya to the hospital to see Fraser, the day he died…umm, fuck it. ‘Lost’ seems silly; but ‘Passed’ has such a softer tone. I know it’s just mincing words, but my brain and heart need that….Ok, so, the day Fraser passed we brought her to see him. There was nothing. She jumped on the bed; sniffed; jumped down and just ignored ‘him’. She. Knew!! …but also I don’t think she ‘knew knew’, ya know?

Earlier this week I went for a walk with her. I made it around the corner and was visiting with a friend whom I last saw at Fraser’s celebration. We were having a chat just outside their door when I got tugged, well, pulled is actually what happened, either way I found myself on the ground half way across their yard.

Faya had decided that the little black dog, yipping at her as they passed, needed a tune in. She and this little dog have passed each other over the past 5 years. The little one barks; Faya would sometimes ‘hunker’…it’s a shepherd thing…we didn’t like it…so we’d try to distract her by walking faster or treats; whatever to get her fixation changed; and off we went. Until last week. W. T. A. F?! Mayhem ensued.

After getting up, and with her still on a mission, I full-on tackled her. After landing on her and making sure we had control of her, Tom and Colleen, my friends, helped me to my feet. I asked Tom to go get the dog owner’s name; address etc. so I could check on them after I got myself sorted.

I had a bloody nose, a bloody cut across my nose, likely from her leash, (there was a lot of growling but no biting-thank God!) and to add complete insult to injury, I thought I peed my pants. Are you fucking kidding me?! Then I remembered Tom saying, ‘let me help you out of the puddle’. I noticed the large snow-melt puddle I was sitting in after tackling her…one small win for the fucking day; blood dripping from my nose, BUT, I didn’t pee my pants! Ugh

In hindsight, Faya has had a hard time settling over these past few weeks...minus the week we were gone apparently. See.....

She clearly seemed to settle in just fine then! Of course, when my Mom and Sophie were here she was settled and had far more routine. Besides, she and Sophie are sisters from other misters and delightful(!) with each other…but they’ve left too.

Sophie and Faya💕

So, it was me. Or, maybe not me, but when I was trying to figure out how to help her (I was still really mad at her), I came to the realization she is missing her pack leader. That was Fraser. It hadn’t occurred to me. I thought she knew when she came to the hospital. He wasn't there, but that didn't mean he wouldn't be here. So, although she ‘knew’ he wasn’t there, I don’t think she ‘knew’ what that meant going forward. It didn’t occur to me that Faya would experience her own sense of loss or grief. So entrenched in my own I couldn’t see/imagine hers. Wowwww.

Fraser bought and filled a pool for Faya...first thing she did was get in and pee in it🤣

When our children were little, and they would act out, especially Connor, I found he responded far better with ‘time in’ rather than ‘time out’ (Caelin preferred the opposite, of course. Why would two kids be the same to make parenting easier?!). So, Faya and I have had more ‘time in’ these past few days….and some chats. I was reminded to tell her what happened to her pack leader; and that we would be ok, and I have her back! She sleeps on the floor beside me (she didn’t like sleeping on my bed anyways and only lasted a few minutes if she did jump up…Fraser wins. Lol). I’ve been taking her for her evening ‘I love you’ walk and remind her she doesn’t need to protect me…aaand I have her on a waist leash so I have way more control.....and can’t get yanked across a yard!

She needs routine (‘scientists’ believe that's what they might be responding to) and so do I…super shitty way to be reminded! Went to the gym last week and have a few returning clients this week, so, back to routine(ish)….at least until I book a flight somewhere warm for February or March…Fraser would want me to…and Faya clearly does ok when I’m not here, soooooo…..

Sweet dreams…and give your lil animals (human ones count too) an extra squeeze from me.

Xo, Brooke

P.S. Gordon and Booker (the little black dog) are doing well. Booker has slight bruising from being pulled up in his harness (I paid some of the vet bill to make sure he was ok); and I have a bruised ego. We’ll heal. 🙏