We've been together since the late 1900's
(circa 1991)
First crush; first kiss; first ‘real’ kiss (you know what I mean😉); first love; first home; first fight (because you get to make up and choose each other again)….so many firsts!
And also, first gatherings ‘without’. Oh man, these hit me hard…and harder than I can seem to even prepare myself for. It is of my own making, but my presence is a reminder of his absence.
I tried to put on my brave face as I met with lifelong friends to celebrate their daughters’ 18th birthdays. I had to excuse myself a few times as I tried to find a place to disappear into as I worked to catch my breath and stop the tears that were going to come anyways, regardless of the ‘appropriateness’ of time or occasion. My friend said it will creep up. Well, it crept….and then POUNCED!
🙏Compassion, compassion, compassion, Miss Brooke 🙏
Oh! I’ve got it, I can tell people I’ve taken up smoking so I can excuse myself from the table without really drawing attention to myself. Genius! But also, these are lifetime (literally :/) friends. I can’t fool them, and I know they would do anything to take away my pain. Truly it is our pain as we are all experiencing the loss, even if it’s different. I know they watch to see if I’m ok as I leave the room. That is both comforting and heartbreaking…maybe for all of us I presume? I wish I could kind of slip away so as not to disturb their evening, but, since I got pounced on and unable to catch my breath, it’s hard to be discreet. To be told, ‘you don’t get to be doing this alone when we are here for you’ while wrapped in a hug is exactly what I needed. Friends know this. 🙏 Might be easier to just ask for a hug next time!
I think the hardest part (ok, not really; the hardest part is that he should be here!) is that I remember really loving these get togethers. I love our friends. I was the social one. I was the one who needed (yes, needed) to go out! I thrived on it!
Fraser would usually call me on his way home. I thought it was funny (but also I was trying to make dinner so I was slightly annoyed) because I was going to see him shortly! But this way, the work talk was done and we could talk about other things when he got home. He could sense when I was getting antsy and he’d say, ‘well, shall I take you somewhere when I get home?’. I was delighted! And then he’d say, ‘well, it’s either that or you’ll drive me crazy bouncing around till we do something’. And he was right. I’d try to busy myself, but sometimes it just didn’t work. I’d find him and plop myself onto his lap, facing him and stare at him. I’d say, ‘It’s ok. I’m fine. I’ll just hang out here for a bit watching you relax!’. He’d shake his head and laugh…and say, ‘Alright, fine, let’s go. Where am I taking you?’ Hmmmm….I feel a bit like Faya trying to mind meld him into taking her for a walk. Thanks for the tip Faya! (Yes, I just compared my actions to our dog. I am aware.😆)
And now? Now I feel like a deer in headlights. My nervous system is on high alert (it’s hard work trying to protect my heart apparently...my brain has seemed to also stopped functioning optimally) and I’m so much more aware of all the stimulation out there in the world! It’s loud and bright and….and I don’t have my person there with me. I thought I had put on my brave face…and then I saw photos from the evening.
I clearly forgot to bring my brave face. Who is that wearing the costume that I once recognized as Brooke? Ahhhh….that is Brooke wearing ‘Grief’ this evening.
It’s like an ad for designer wear….
‘Today, trying to blend with the chair she sits in, with red eyes and uneven mascara, we have Brooke. Notice how her shoulders shrug inwards; how her smile seems forced yet still has glimmers of larger smiles from her past. Her eyes gaze beyond. Her sparkle is dim. Ladies and Gentlemen, we bring you ‘Grief’.
10/10 do not recommend grief as a fashion trend. I do not recognize my photo, yet there I am.
Now, I will be incredibly honest, as much as this grief is wrenching at times (to be clear, it’s not all the time!) and not at all fashion-forward, this is probably(definitely) the deepest I have felt something for a long time. Maybe that’s part of the experience. To feel an emotion so deeply again. I mean, the other ones (from the list of firsts) are WAAAAAAYYY more fun…and also; what a fascinating emotion, grief. All the other ‘first emotions’ are sparkly and fun; this one seems to exist to put the other emotions in more perspective though.
I hope, when I laugh again (like, a good old, cry laugh) that I can remember to revel in that and not just let it pass. I want to feel sparkly again. I want to feel fun again….and I’m sure I will, but it feels very distant for me at the moment….and like a ginormous mountain to climb.
So, baby steps…one baby step at a time. Because those were fun firsts with our babies. They'd wobble; they'd fall; we'd coax them on and cheer. Maybe I can find some joy in knowing I’ve made the first steps along this new path. Ok, maybe it’s not joy, but I will allow an acknowledgment that I’m doing it. I’m doing the hard things…and surviving...and I have many cheerleaders.
Cold immersion therapy is just about that. You will survive the uncomfortable…and I am so grateful to know I am not here alone. I am abundantly aware of that.
Much love for being here on this path with me.
Xo, Brooke
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