January 25 7:50pm

Elevator for one? ...or 4 French people 😁

“How are you? I mean, um, how are you doing? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s a stupid question, ummmm….”

Man do I get it. I ask this question with a little more intention now. Like, how much vested interest do I have in actually knowing (caring) how someone is? It’s my responsibility to ask only what I am ready to receive for an answer. What if they aren’t ok? What if I’m not ready for the standard, ‘I’m good. How are you?’ (meanwhile they’re suffering inside)?

So, please know, it is not a stupid question. Maybe it’s only stupid if you don’t really want to know...or aren't prepared for a real answer.

I am grateful people care enough to go through this awkward phase with me. When someone reaches out and asks how I am doing, I know they are prepared for any answer. And that feels beautiful. I feel bad that people feel silly or awkward. It is my honour to also be on the receiving end of sharing this journey.

And honestly, sometimes I also wonder how I’m doing!! I don’t ask myself, I just go straight to judgement. Hmm…perhaps a better way would be to ask myself (and be prepared for any answer), ‘Brooke. I care about you. How are you doing today?’. Just have to heed my own advice....meh.

So, how am I? (Blessings and thank you for asking). I am good. Not like, exclamation ‘GOOD!!’ but, ‘good’. I have purpose in my days. I am working again, with clients who have become friends, so it feels safe. Feeling very blessed to have a job I love and people who bring joy to my day. I like my dog again. I didn’t stop loving her, but, ‘bad dog’…and also, I’m sorry. Um, what else...I am enjoying having a roomy. We haven’t had our first fight yet (we talked about this the other day. Lol), but I think we can do this. The kids and I connect with each other and check in on one another. It has brought us even closer, even as we move further into our days apart.

And, at the end of my days, when I finally climb into bed, that’s when the sadness seeps in, and then out through my tears. It’s an interesting sensation having tears fall all the way down

my cheeks; onto my ears until they find each other on my pillow. I lay there and try to focus on my breath slowly allowing the ache to soften. if I 'think' too much, it hurts. But, if I focus on my breathe, and allow the tears, the sadness turns to tears of gratitude for having the opportunity to have loved enough to lay here, months later (ok, only 2 and a bit...it feels like forever, and a minute all at once), and still feel the loss. I didn't think gratitude and tears could go together so well; like a fine scotch and the perfect glass. (It's Robbie Burns day today...Sláinte!)

But, as much as it hurts, it’s also cathartic. To be overcome with such gratitude that I could have the opportunity to love someone to the point of having tears follow one another down the same path onto my pillow for a few nights. How blessed am I?! And yes, all too short of a time, but that’s a ‘half-full glass’ attitude. I get the benefit of loss to appreciate, even more, what we had. Maybe it’s not ‘even more’ but I do get a different reflection of my life up until now. Ok....too mushy.

Time for some real talk. Fraser and I fought. Like, some really good ones. Sometimes he would annoy me to the point of me charging at him. WAIT! That’s not the punchline. (I’m tough ya know! Well, maybe feisty is a better word). Anyways, if I’d try to come at him he’d somehow (it wasn't that hard) grapple me onto his shoulder and carry me off or he'd tell me he'd put me down when I was ready to be more civilized....I'm not sure I actually got more civilized, he probably just got tired!

There were times when I really wanted to, even in ‘fun’, to take him down….just once! Stupid? Crazy? Stupid crazy to think I could ever do that. I ended up in the lake a few times because of my feistiness. And sometimes, when we were actually mad, we wouldn’t speak for days. What a waste. Those days not speaking...but we both shared an intensity that brought out our love...and stubbornness. We fought hard and we loved hard. That was us.

Yet, in spite of our human-ness, we continued to choose each other. And that’s all that matters…mattered. (Ugh) Again, back to being able to shed tears of gratitude that I got to experience so much life with him. We may have covered the gamut of emotions and experiences together, but perhaps my soul needed to also experience grief and loss….cause here I am.

I feel like my gratitude meter is pretty full….but the grief and loss part is here for a visit. It can join me for a bit. It's only reasonable…and also, my days are filled with many loving parts, so I am ok! Well done, Me….and well done you for having courage to be here with me. Many blessings.💕

Xo, Brooke