February 24, 24 10:24pm

Moon Palace gift store...with our dear friend, Stephanie💕

I dreamt of Fraser the other night. Dreamt (dreamed and dreamt are both acceptable-I looked it up😁), so, I dreamt, and remembered! It felt so real I didn’t want it to end, but, as I am experiencing, all good things must come to an end it seems. Or an end for a new beginning. I reside in between those places for now.

It’s actually not the first dream I’ve had where Fraser visited me, but the first time since he’s been gone. I’ve been waiting for this moment. Rather impatiently if I’m honest. I wondered if maybe he couldn’t (didn’t want to?) come because it would make me sad again; but that sadness doesn’t simply go away so it’s here for a bit of a visit. He’s going to have to get over that (or it’s me, but since he’s in full agreement with me lately, it is his fault…and this is my blog so I get final say). Aaaaand, maybe I’m trying to put human emotions on an energy that has moved far beyond that…yah. Maybe that. Meh.

It’s kind of like when people aren’t sure whether to talk about him in case it makes me sad. Um, yes. And no! Yes, it might make me sad, and no, we shouldn’t avoid the topic. I can go for a while without crying (and making anyone uncomfortable, myself included); or I might cry, and that’s beautiful too! It’s actually an honour to be present enough with someone when they feel safe enough to let the tears fall. Thank you for sharing my ‘virtual’ tears here with me. 🙏

Okay, back to my dream(s)…it’s plural now! His first visit, which I remember so vividly, was the first night I got to the hospital. While he lay in front of my bed/chair (it didn’t immediately become my nest); his body eerily still, attached to all the machines etc. and a neck brace holding his head in place to protect his skull while it healed from a slight occipital fracture; I woke up as I felt his hand on my arm. It was a comforting hand so I managed to stay lucidly alseep…or awake? Definitely the in-between*. I could feel him on my left side as he knelt down and whispered in my ear, ‘You were right’.

Erch!! That’s it. I’ll leave it there. He finally recognized it! You heard it here, Ladies and Gentlemen! l. WAS. RIGHT! Wish I would have been able to record it! I didn’t know at the time that it was going to be, literally on his death bed, (how cliché) but that doesn’t matter. He admitted I was right. That’s all that matters! Just thought you should know....

Good night!

…..Ok. Not really. I mean, I did want to relish in the moment for a bit, and I’m sure I couldn’t help but smirk in my sleep, but then the way he said it was different. It didn’t occur to me to ask about what and instead I kind of chuckled and said, ‘I know’. What else does one say when told they were right? But there was more to it. I could feel it was different. There was an incredible calm about him. Even his touch felt so real, but still didn’t jar me awake. I felt a peace as he said those words.

I went through all the things I could be right about. (Obviously everything, but I digress) I didn’t get the sense he was talking about this world and my opinions or beliefs about the current world state or the reason he now lay in front of me as yet another addition to the current statistic of ‘collapsed suddenly’. No. This was different.

Then I ‘felt’ the words.

He was finally quiet enough to be able to experience the love I have always believed exists all around us. The Love we associate with God, Source, All. He was getting to experience THAT! It’s a weird (beautiful?) feeling to experience such peace and Love while your loved one lays a few feet away in a world so deeply rooted in the present with the beeping of machines and tubes rhythmically breathing for him. The beautiful in between…Hmm…it’s like a theme.

Being ‘right’ didn’t mean he was wrong, it just meant he hadn’t quite experienced it the way I also believed ‘All’ to exist. Fraser and I considered ourselves spiritual but not religious. We went to a few different churches along our journey and honoured God the best way we knew how. Fraser was a bit more cerebral and I followed my heart (some might even say, ‘hippy dippy’). We found balance. We were sitting on the plane once (man am I grateful for all our journey’s together!) and the flight attendant leaned over the chairs in front of us and asked, ‘Are you two married?’. She laughed and then said, ‘Guess we’ll see once the plane lands!’. She found it ironic I was reading ‘Conversations with God’ (one of my favourite books and recently gifted to me, again, by one of Fraser’s colleagues) and Fraser was reading, ‘God Hates Religion’. In hindsight, those two books aren’t mutually exclusive. Fraser and I believed God and religion were two separate things. And that’s what we called Spirituality...perhaps the in between? I swear this isn't intentional!

So, I was ‘right’ about the existence of the everything and the nothing. Of pure Love. He held my hand for a moment, kissed me on the forehead, and he faded away back into the peace and Love. And that Love is eventually where he finally chose to remain; but not until I was able to experience it with him, for a very very brief time. But that time brought me some peace.

He is now everywhere. And I would love to find complete solace in that; except, he’s everywhere….but here. And here is where I want him to still exist. And that is purely for my own benefit. I am grappling with the idea that we (our soul, God, etc.) has a ‘choice’ we get to make along the way. I believe he ‘chose’ to stay in the All (and why not?!) and in that way he still exists around us. However, if he chose that, then he chose to leave me. To leave us.

Not that I think I’m all that and a bag of chips but our kids and our families are for SURE! They’re the expensive kind (wellll, maybe that’s me). Ok, they’re the best quality! Yes! The question, then, is, ‘Does choosing to be fully in the Love, with God, mean we got left behind?’. Yes. We did get left behind in this world to experience our fortitude and the sadness and grief and love and forgiveness and….oh wait. I suppose these really are all gifts aren’t they?

The grief and sadness don’t really feel like gifts, but, as the saying goes, ‘grief is love that you want to give but cannot’. If we didn’t love we wouldn’t grieve. So, it’s a beautiful gift to have loved as I grieve.

I will settle on this; choosing to be somewhere, allowing him to be everywhere, doesn’t mean he’s actually left us behind. It just feels way different than I’m used to…and that’s what I miss. I miss the ease of his presence. The ease of our lives.  I miss his physical presence. To know he is part of the All while I cry at the gym (that’s annoying!) doesn’t seem….fair? But is he not there crying with me?

Aha! Between him experiencing the spiritual All and me in this very physical world lies an opportunity to dance with him. That was my last dream. He stood behind me, wrapped his arms around me, cupped my face in his hand and held my head so I was looking straight ahead, and moving together we danced and navigated a…wait for it…dreams are weird, am I right? Ok. We were in a small store on a ferry (thus the photo above. Clever, right?!). I promise I will never write a romance novel. This one sucks🤣Could you imagine the movie, Ghost, set in a ferry gift store?!

The fact I almost woke up because I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of this incredible moment, only to ‘see’ people around us in a store, on a ferry(?!) told me how absurd this was. Seriously? We couldn’t do better?

But didn’t we?! I found such joy in that ridiculous moment! I didn’t wake up crying, I was smiling! And that in between gave me peace, again.

To experience the love again; to be held by him again; to laugh at myself; at us; and wake up laughing felt natural…peaceful. The in-between is that moment just before the sun rises or sets. Neither day nor night fully exist yet. One hasn’t quite finished while the other is…is where possibility exists. Everything is possible here.

It’s an end for a new beginning

Oh shit. My head hurts. My heart, however feels pretty full (of possibility?) at the moment. Hm. Didn’t I write about Fraser saying I was in my head too much? Pshaw. Neverrrr. What did he know?

Leaving you with a heart hug tonight. In-between a physical hug and the feeling of love it is meant to convey.

Xo, Brooke

*apparently the transitional state of consciousness between wakefulness and sleep is called ‘hypnagogia’. But I don't think the definition gives full credence to the power of the moment. Once again, limited by words and language.