I saw a meme the other day that said something super inspirational like, ‘find the blessings’. So many inspirational quotes out there! They are kind of like all the clichés that, well, that exist because they’re true. And also? Ugh. It felt like trying to tell someone to calm down while they're yelling at you...it's likely not going to end well.
Wanna know something funny? Well, not really, I suppose. You see, I am forgetting what it felt like to be held by him….but I can still hear him say, ‘Stop being in your head so much!' Not sure where else I should be, but I suppose, to be honest, I really do operate better from my heart. When I had Sprout it took me a while before I could trust my brain; so, I learned to trust my heart more.
And no wonder! I had a momentary lapse of reality just the other day where I wanted to share something with Fraser. See? My heart for sure knows the reality of my current ‘circumstance’, my brain however continues to have momentary lapses of reality. Tough trying to keep all this in order!
When I had Sprout, I would often wish I had a bandage on my head so people would know to be gentle with me as my brain healed silently inside. More importantly though, it was a wish to remind me to be gentle with myself. That was the key.
After a day of letting it all go (well, not all, but a solid 97% of that which was apparently stored up) I managed to think of some blessings. Like the blessing that I lost my husband (he’s not really lost, remember?) so I ‘get’ to be here without him? How blessed to have such grief that I can’t catch my breath? Blessed that I can feel to a depth I haven’t felt in a long time? Ya. Great blessings. Find the blessings? Kiss my ass.
But here’s the thing; it struck me that I felt the need for the blessings to be….delightful? Or, joyful, or at the very least, fun…maybe? Like the blessing would be so inspirational it would make it all ok. But why?
So I didn’t have to actually feel my pain? Like finding a blessing would provide comfort to ease it somehow? That wasn’t going to work. Not in the midst of it anyways. (Back to telling someone to calm down during a fight...) And looking for a blessing did not make the sadness go away. Nor the loneliness. Nor the abandonment. Nor the judgement…did I mention I might have been ‘in my head’? (Shhhh! Don't tell Fraser he was right!). And, WOW!
*Where is that bandage over my heart to help remind me why these feelings wash over me every now and then?
The blessing doesn’t even take away the fact Fraser might have been right! All the ‘looking for a blessing’ did was put me back in my head and add to the judgement that I even felt lonely and abandoned or…..WOWWWW, did I have a great shit pile going!
So, at the end of the day, with some hindsight (and way too much time in my head!) this was my blessing; I was feeling super blessed to be able to lie on the sand, in the heat, feet from the ocean‘s waves….and sob. The kind that my body couldn’t hide as it rode the waves of grief to bring tears to the surface. The kind that left their own salty pools on my towel under my head. The kind that would not let go!! I was exhausted, and yet more tears found their way. Blessing? Really?
My eyes were swollen; I was exhausted; I couldn’t get comfortable; and I judged myself for my ‘privilege’ of being able to be on a beach in Hawaii and have the audacity to cry. I felt sorry for myself. And truly, why not? This sucks….and it’s bullshit….or, griefshit?
GOOD GRIEF!!
And, there it was!
Yes! Good grief! This was grief, and it was good! It didn’t necessarily feel good at the time, but I lived, and hindsight is a beautiful thing. It peels away the layers to unfold the blessings under the shit. I suppose it’s like flowers that find their way under a manure pile. They need time to ‘fester’ and hide while the manure nourishes and protects them before, one day, they shine their beautiful flower faces to the sun.
At the end of the day, after being stuck in my head while my heart ached, I found the blessing…even if it was tangled up in many layers and hidden beneath a pile of shit. I allowed myself to be blessed under the shit pile of protection and nourishment until I could face the world again….and it only took a few hours, flowing tears, and a really good, deep sleep. I faced the sun the next day and felt my heart healing once again.
And now I could go explore more of this incredible Hawaii island I have the privilege to visit once again. It’s for work. I found a CranioSacral course in Kona, HI. And yes, I did look at the location and then the seminar, but whatever! I mean, Yah, it’s being offered where I live, in March, buuuuut….it’s not Hawaii. I mean, um, it didn’t have this instructor. Um, Fraser would definitely want me to be here. 😉Ya. Something like that.
...gotta go find some more blessings. Brb
Xo, Brooke
P.s. I think it’s important to add that I mostly write when I’m trying to sort through the shit pile. These just happen to be my musings of grief (at the moment). Because sometimes I actually forget what it feels like and it catches me off guard. I have a lot of ‘good’ days, I assure you.
So, for those of you still with me, I am so grateful. Truly. I know the support I (we as a family) have is phenomenal. I know it must be difficult to witness this grief train (can’t even stand it myself sometimes!) but you being here with me/us is truly a gift. Thank you thank you thank you…See? Blessings, blessings, blessings ❤️
There used to be a way to tell that a wife was grieving. She wore black for a certain period of time. Although you look great in all colors, I think you can find a blessing that the world doesn't require women to wear black after her husband passes.
The blessing is that you had Frazer in your life for the great majority of his life. Doesn't likely make it any easier. But Hawaii should help as much as anything. Wish I were there with you. :)