Holy man did it hit hard today. On our way back from a lovely snorkel tour and, blammo (Fraser always loved my sound effects….really…and he’s not here to dispute it, so, again, you are left with my word), it felt like the start of a panic attack. I’m not totally sure what brought it on, but I had this overwhelming feeling of loneliness. He left me! Like, left left. Like I was all alone (I’m not, but this was the trick my mind played today). The feeling of losing my person was just too much today.
What I didn’t share yesterday was that when I came upon the beautiful turtle, I thought it was dying. There were no other turtles along the beach; it was middle of the day; I’m from Alberta and turtles on the beach aren’t really our thing (for reals! lol); and I may have jumped the gun but I was pretty sure I was going to be a Death Doula to this turtle. I cried ; talked to it; sat with it…and then asked a local young man who walked by and he said she was likely resting. Well, for fuck’s sake. (Is it fuck’s sake or fuck sakes or….?) I mean, her little fin was kind of bent weird, or at least didn’t look like she was comfortable.…so we stayed...and then saw the whales in the distance. It was pretty magical.
Anyways, after the snorkel tour I went back to ‘Turtle Beach’ (I named it) and found four more turtles sunning themselves along the way…and ‘my’ turtle was gone. Back to her home…so she was simply resting. Maybe I actually need to do the same.
It’s been a busy few months. Yesterday marked a month since Fraser’s been gone…and then I missed him even more. My person is gone.
I can’t call him and share my turtle adventure; talk about stupid shit; I can’t call him for solace if I need it; and yes, I am blessed to have many people who will listen etc…but they don’t know when to agree with me and when to challenge me or when to hold me. They can’t hold me like he did so I felt safe. Pretty sure, after 29 years of marriage, I should come with a manual.
Maybe I can write one! It’s an interesting concept really. As I was writing Fraser’s Story I wondered what he would write about My story….I will never know. And that is how this chapter ends…and the next begins. But first, I will allow myself to miss him when it comes…even at the end of a snorkel tour.
Being in Hawaii has been wonderful. The waves; the sun; the sand; the (living) turtles; whales; cool adventures; friends….amazing…but also busy. I was able to carve some time out for myself but I think I’m craving actual alone time…for more than an hour or two.
In actuality, I’m not sure the story ever ends. Fraser’s story continues on without him…so, the story continues; the chapters end as new ones begin and on it goes. And how brilliant. Having the opportunity to write new chapters in our lives…but first I need some rest. That will be one of my upcoming chapters I think….I will just have to make it happen….after Scotland.
Sweet dreams,
Brooke
It’s definitely For Fucks Sake.
From the beginning of your blog I have felt strongly that this is the beginning of your first book. Not to overwhelm but it’s in you, eventually. Who knows perhaps a sitcom down the road? You could build your own props!
Love you, mean it.
You can tall to Fraser. He will just be a better listener now. And he continues in our hearts and our minds and more particularly in Conner and Caelin. Can't believe it has been a month.
Third option: for fucks sakes.