To The Moon with lifelong friends: Feb, 2023
'Flight attendants, please prepare for take-off.’ (Leaving Edinburgh, UK)
And that’s when the tears, once again, began to flow, for both Loreen (Fraser’s Mom) and I. The magnitude of our journey finally caught up with us. I managed to draw my legs to my chest and not cry, but sob. The heaving of my body and Mom’s visible tears drew the attention of a flight attendant in the galley. She asked if we were ok and then she said, ‘Oh. You’ve left someone behind haven’t you. Take-off does that sometimes. Let me bring you a tea and a box of tissues’. Bless you Heather. Bless you.
Yes. We left someone behind…or rather, he left us behind. Not in a place, but in a time. We are the ones grieving and feeling the pain of his absence.
The hardest part right now is feeling so far from him. I used to feel his presence but it feels like forever ago. My brain takes over and leaves me to question everything I know (or thought to be true). Will I ever feel him near me again? Is this it? Will it always require extra ‘work’ to feel close to him? Has he disappeared into the All so much that we no longer have a connection? We shared 35 years; and then 10 weeks and he’s out??
It was only a few weeks ago (oh, time is going too quickly!) I could close my eyes or put my hand to his ring that hangs on my necklace and feel him near. Is he abandoning me…again? My brain says, ‘maybe’ while my heart says absolutely not even possible. And that is what I know (like 99.6% at this point) to be true.
Heart love is pure, capital ‘L’ Love….but that brain! My heart is doing some extra lifting lately; perhaps my brain could cooperate and be a tad more helpful…clearly it’s trying to push me off track sometimes. I’m on to you now!
You know the Angel/devil on your shoulders thing? Maybe the Angel is actually our heart and the ‘devil’ is our brain? (I don’t really believe in a devil but I do believe in duality so…i’ll use ‘devil’ for simplicity).
The brain can tell us lies so convincing that our heart, if it’s not careful, might even start to believe them. Things that our heart would never even entertain can quickly become a possibility that drags our heart down…so they hang on by heartstrings.
….I might be onto something here!
I guess only time will tell; and my heart believes he will come to me again. I’m not impatient (totally am)…and also….time does seem to exist here. So Mr. Paterson…you have a visit to make….time is ticking on. Some days I want it to go faster and other days I want it to slow to a snail’s pace. And today? Today I just want to feel you with me. It’s really not too much to ask.
Sweet dreams, Brooke
He didn't choose to leave you physically. You may or may not "feel" him again (likely will but I'm being a bit of a killjoy here to try and help move you along to a place you aren't yet ready to be). I have no doubt you will be with him again when your turn to go arrives. You still have him in the form of your children. You will always have and hold what you shared with Fraser whether it feels close or a little further away. It's fact. It has been lived. It cannot be denied. There is photographic evidence! (no, not those ones).
If you feel less connected it may just be Fraser's pushing you forward t…