There’s a history here that somehow feels familiar. It’s hard to explain. Fraser and I would dream about retiring in Scotland. We would buy a home here, maybe a pub or hotel (The Fiddich Inn was for sale at our first visit). We’d start an Airbnb with health/whisky retreats (those totally go together!); and we’d be in a place that has oddly, in spite of a mere few visits, felt like home. We dreamed about how we would be close to family and loved the charm of small town.
If I have learned anything over the past few months it is this; things can change in an instant. The dream can still exist…it just feels like half a dream now.
In fact, most of this feels like a dream. I suppose I could choose to make this a nightmare…but it feels more like...an alternate reality? Like, not really real, yet here we are living it.
Best laid plans have a way of tying you to an expected outcome. The outcome can still exist; it might just have a different path than we imagined.
The plan yesterday was to go to the river around 12:30; have a walk and find our way to 1:11 to honour the time and day. Now, since we are here in Scotland, the time is different (+7 hrs)….and so is the weather. We woke up to a rain/sna (I speak Gaelic now😁)…blizzard?! There would be no ‘upwind/downwind’ situation…it was more like a whirling dervish. Almost meditative in the changes of wind swirling every which way and the sound of it battering branches against the side of the Speyburn distillery we were touring . And so, it was far too ‘dreich’ of a day to take the moments we were going to need by the river.
I imagined us gathering at Auntie Edie’s; writing some heartfelt wishes on some papers given to me by a friend for this special occasion; saying some beautiful words; then, I would run headlong into the swirling storm and try to make my way to the river. Mud covered and soaked (I would likely be running zig zag so I'll be totally out of breath-never mind out of shape at the moment!!); I would throw up my hands as I reached the river to release our wishes...;then sprint back to the house soaking wet. Funny…but hardly what I imagined. Or, not at all what I imagined!
And shouldn’t I know, by now(?), that things can change in an instant. I had to do some soul searching about what really mattered in this moment. There was a gift to free myself from the ‘marking of days’. I know that will likely be there for a while on its own (like babies when we acknowledge their hours then days then weeks; months etc.) but today I recognized an allowing to let it to. It was freeing actually. Scary, but freeing.
So, with time being interchangeable by geography; then intention can be acknowledged anytime. I know people were wanting to honour the time with us…but it ended up being a day later…or earlier, depending where you place your feet on the earth. The intent is what mattered. And it was heart warming receiving messages throughout the day. 🙏
So today, around 1 pm (GST) , 9 of us walked to the river as the sun shone on its banks. Fraser came from his Dad’s family that stood with us; through Loreen; to me and for Connor and Caelin. Quite a journey when you think about it….and now his journey continues.
Ashes to ashes…
I took off my boots and walked along the shore until I turned to place my feet in the water. I happened to notice the time; 1:11. It happened anyways. I didn’t need to miss out on the experience because I wanted to mark a special moment of time. I was gifted so much more by letting go of expectation...I’ll probably remember the lesson for about 12 hours; but I will keep the gift forever.🙏
As I turned to have a wee sip of the whisky Ryan brilliantly remembered to bring, the bottle in his hand was empty! For a moment I couldn’t believe that the 8 of them had actually polished off the entire bottle in what felt like seconds! Ryan (with a bit of exasperation) said he had given the entire bottle to Fraser. Of course!! It didn’t actually occur to me to do that! And it didn’t occur to Ryan to do it differently! Feckin’ brilliant! Of course it should go to Fraser! Thanks for covering for me Ryan! 🙌 We had a good chuckle…and I did manage to find the teeniest drop at the bottom of the bottle.
It has been such an honour to be here. Everything has been perfect…minus the good-bye’s. All of them. Tears of love and tears of sadness come all at once. Gratitude; peace; family; love…what more could I ask for? …I mean, besides the obvious. But, other than that, blessed are we💕
Xo, Brooke
I have to ask. Did you use a scotch bottle container as an urn? Bloody brilliant!!
A perfect day unfolded just as it should♥️. That’s pretty amazing. Your amazing !
Thank you for sharing this moment (as you have shared the entire journey) with us. It is healing.
Rest easy, my friend.