December 26 9:47pm GST

Rothes, Scotland 2017

The gifts of being here, in Rothes, with family, has been….peaceful; beautiful; Soul calming; sad; embracing…reckoning…and so much more.

We had a most beautiful family dinner yesterday…marked, of course, by our presence and therefore, Fraser’s absence. It’s not fair. But what is ever ‘fair’? We would not be here had Fraser been ‘with’ us. So, I am comforted by the warming, welcoming hugs of his Scottish roots here in Scotland.

The history of this place feels….familiar.  Fraser and I (and now our children) have remarked how at home we feel even though I have only been here twice now, and Fraser, four times. This trip marks Fraser’s 5th and final trip ‘home’. Oh the emotions such few words can bring to the surface.

Craigellachie Bridge

Today is the full moon. I have always loved the full moon. Fraser once drove me to the outskirts of town so I could see the full Blood Moon rising above the wheat fields. I was upset thinking he didn’t know where he was going until we came over the horizon and he parked in exactly the right, amazing spot. I was so grateful; and in hindsight I hope I told him, or he knew, what that meant to me. Those are the things I hope he knew and felt. How much those, seemingly small, gestures meant to me.

For me, full moons mark a time of endings; release, and renewal. If we allow it, full moons can offer us a ‘clearing out’. Old habits; responsibilities; maybe even releasing old friends…or lovers…or both.

Tomorrow, December 27, 1:11 pm GST (because this is where we currently place our feet on the land) will be that day. The final, physical release, of my best friend; my lover; my confidante; my husband; the father of our children; a son; brother; uncle; friend; cousin; colleague…all labels we put on this human experience.

Those labels fit for a time; but none truly represent what Fraser offered us. I have tried to honour each ‘label’ and position Fraser held for so many. And at the heart of it all…his soul.

He came to me, through his Mom to be here for our children. As much as it brings tears, that come every day now, I can also feel a calm and peace that being here brings me. It feels right (as in I have zero doubts this is where we are to be)…and heart-wrenching.

The journey here was more difficult than I wanted. Not necessarily more than I anticipated, but the tears found their way down my cheeks as our plane took off. Fraser’s final journey…kind of and not really. Fraser’s Mom sat beside me as I sobbed at the thought of ‘Fraser’ taking final flight in the bins of the cabin. Hardly fitting…at all. Lovingly, Loreen found it in her to console me as she has lost (not really, but kind of…she knows where he is) her husband (it is his homeland we are journeying to)…and now her son. I only know the experience of losing (still seems like a weird word) a husband…and I’m still fairly new at this.

I hear it never goes away, but mellows with time. Kind of like the heat of a dram (it two or so) of whisky I suppose…we are in true Whisky country💕

I am here amongst women who share not only a love for Fraser, but the understanding of loss as well. They....we, are widows. Fraser’s Mom (‘Scotty’ George Grant); his Aunt Edith (Jim); Aunt Ann (Harry); his cousin, Mandy (Tony)…and now me. I am left to wonder if the men simply would not be able to withstand the heartache so they leave us first?

Tomorrow marks 7 weeks since Fraser’s last breath. That sounds poetic, but truly, I find myself incredibly hesitant to use the word, ‘died’ or ‘dead’. But in reality, and to face reality, that’s what has actually happened. That feels like the grossest word I could use. And at the same time, in not truly acknowledging death how am I to truly honour his life? I have said before we do not do death well in our society…this is just another reminder. The ‘sanitization’ of the death journey. We can call it ‘palliative’ or ‘end of life’…but without the word ‘death’, does it really acknowledge what it is?

I am reminded, in the book, ‘Recknoning’ by Stephen Jenkinson, that ‘Death is a constant companion and not simply a future event. It is a knowable thing that is, also, not much known’. Perhaps the proximity of the question of (our) death is a question of us becoming more favourable to acknowledging it. I doubt it…but here’s the gift if we choose to receive it.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust…we are reminded of the frailty of life. The gift is to acknowledge death as we acknowledge life. To help us find peace in our hearts so our soul may be free from any kind of earthly ‘tether’ and go back to Source/God/_____. I have no preference for what word you choose to use. I believe words limit that which is meant to be felt.

So, today it is this;

Ashes to ashes,

Dust to dust.

I miss you so.

And in the end we will meet.

Yes. We must.

Merry Christmas 🎄

xo, Brooke