Scotland 2017
The good thing about being busy is I’ve been able to compartmentalize our journey to Scotland. Apparently it rains; rains less; and rains more (dreich days ahead…practicing my Scottish. Fraser was my translator!!) , so, pack layers ✅Travel insurance ✅ Life binder...in case (How's everyone's binders coming along?)✅ Death/travel papers ✅ Ashes ✅Faya’s binder ✅…so nice to have people here so I don’t have to worry about Faya or the house. That’s a lot of check marks right there!
I’ve been able to kind of avoid reality. I mean, not altogether, but in packing/getting ready it has been easy to put aside (not forget) the reason we are going in the first place. It might be harder than I think, but I’m going to allow myself to find some time to sit with a finality to a finality….but not til we’re there. We will find our time in the days after Christmas. It’s not ‘our last Christmas with Fraser’ because he will always be with us with or without his ashes. This I know in my heart. There are no more 'lasts with Fraser'; there will only be 'firsts'.
The urn that holds the ashes of the body that we used to call Fraser sits atop our piano. And it’s been fine. Not like the four-letter 'fine', but for reals fine. I don’t pay much attention to it, and I’d like to say it’s because I’m brave and stoic. I’ve picked it up for my niece to hold (brave young soul); moved it to dust the piano….but the reality is, I think it might hurt too much if I really think about it.
However, having said that, since our thoughts create our emotions (I just learned that, officially, in the past few years) than I have the ability to change my thoughts if the feelings get too much…aaannndd….sometimes that’s easier said than done…and I don’t want to go there. BUT, it can be done. Change my thoughts; change my emotions. ✅ Practice practice.
Funny, I just remembered I started that ‘lesson’ with Sprout. We were in Mexico and, walking along the beach, I couldn’t catch up to my family. Fraser, Connor and Caelin walked ahead but my brain couldn’t seem to make me go faster. I heard myself say aloud, ‘I can’t catch up!’. I said it again, under my breath, and after I realized what the words meant, I said, ‘Fuck it. I’m just going to have to practice and pretend my brain works’. ‘Fake it til I make it’ became my motto for months. I knew I had to change my thoughts so I could change how I felt. I kind of forgot that I did that but it was out of necessity and not necessarily consciously. I remember it being hard. And I had to start small, but eventually it got me back to my Self! It was a daily, mental workout…equally or more exhausting than physical activity for sure!
So, once again, another gift, years later, from my experience with Sprout. Another gift is hindsight. Going through it sucked (my medication made it so I didn’t really care so that was helpful…until it wasn’t); but here I am still receiving the blessings of that hard path. What it taught me is, there are unseen gifts within every experience. If I can do it once I can do it again.
Perhaps, someday, there will be more gifts imparted because of this current experience. These gifts don’t mean I simply forget the toll it took on us all. It just means it gets carried with a softness, love and a new gift offering if I’m open to it.
As my morning meditation, 'Thank You, by Mooji' says,
'….thank for what is bitter or sweet, for all are gifts for my growing…’ Sometimes we are simply nurturing those gifts (bitter or sweet) for a later time.
Wishing you many gifts…but these ones you can’t wrap. 🎄
Xo, Brooke
Safe journey all, see you Saturday 🏴🥃
Have you ever read Louise Penny Brooke? Her definition of fine is actually an acronym: Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Egotistical, but you could also come up with your own version! (I think this is probably the subtext for most of us usually). Now whenever someone asks you how you are or how life is going, you can honestly say F.I.N.E.