December 17 10:28pm

In spite of my brave front yesterday, it was actually a tough day. I was able to mask it for a moment and laugh about Fraser’s ability to make Sprout kind of funny, and it felt good to share that, and also, I dry heaved a few times during the day as all the feels caught up with me. Gut-wrenching is actually a thing. :/ Yep. Yesterday was a tough one. Those are bound to happen.

I still wouldn’t call it a ‘bad’ day…there are no ‘bad’ days. There are days that feel better than others; but to imply that crying and heaving is a ‘bad’ day, and being able to carry on in a day is ‘good’, is too much judgement on a totally appropriate emotion…or emotions. Definitely plural. The tough part is not knowing when or why ‘it’ will hit so hard…it wasn’t scheduled in my calendar!

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could cry a set amount of tears and then be over with it? ‘Congratulations! Your 2000th tear! You have now finished stage 1 of your grieving process (not sure how many stages there should be…5 maybe? Nature likes odd numbers); you may move forward now’. But that’s not how this works apparently. :/

A friend shared with me today how his Jewish faith honours the grief process. There were many aspects I found quite beautiful…and I think it would actually be nice to have some rules/guidelines. One that struck me was that during Shiva (7 days of mourning following the burial) tradition is to refrain from haircuts;  shaving; grooming etc. They may also cover their mirrors to remind themselves that their focus is on mourning and not on appearance. I kind of did that organically, but I did not think to cover my mirrors.

Although I saw myself in the mirror every morning, I saw my reflection as I passed our front entrance one day. I was surprised by the person staring back at me. I did not recognize her. She looked kind of rough…grief certainly doesn’t do anyone any favours in the appearance department! Oi! So, some new rules for grief....don't tell your bank and cover your mirrors. Definitely top 10!

I am slowly beginning to recognize myself again…slowly. One can’t go through things like this and not be changed. I’ll be a new, enhanced version of me. And I say enhanced because I want to choose that gift Fraser has offered me. Fraser’s passing has not left me ‘less than’…despite the hole I feel right now. He has offered me so many things to experience that, although ‘gut-wrenching’ at times, they have made me explore more of who I am...and how I now fit and relate to the All. How can I say no to that? And how can that not be an improvement? …um, to be clear, I’m good for improvements for a bit though, kay?! No more updates for a while!

Today I was busy puttering around the house and  it felt good taking some emotional rest after a day of hard feelings. I let them share some space…they’ve been waiting (patiently?) for a few days now. I needed the reprieve the previous days offered…but there they were once again…and it felt like they were over-staying their welcome.

I let the tears come; I let the gut-wrenching double me over as I walked with Faya and took time to catch my breath….and I took time for a nap. That helped a lot! It’s kind of exhausting having all the feels...and I was supposed to go out to a friend's last night.I almost cancelled but my nap reset me so I could muster the energy to go. I enjoyed myself...it felt weird, but I had fun.

I am grateful to have the days where the feels can come and go, along with the laughter and the tears. They are all so good for the soul….and the heart. It was a good day❤️

Sweet dreams,

Brooke

p.s. Another Jewish tradition is to bury the body whole. It goes out as it came in; naked and whole...nobody asks for a pinky toe, or an earlobe....or a shin 😉