December 12 9:45pm

Today, Jade (my brother) and I met in the parking lot of the fun(eral) home. Today is the day we picked up Fraser’s ashes.

They’ve been waiting for the container and it finally arrived. Just one more thing on the list of ‘things’. More paperwork (travel documents) and then they took us to a small room where they had the urn…’the’ seems significantly insignificant. What is the proper possessive here anyways? ‘My urn’ since I am now the guardian(?) or is it ‘his’ urn since it holds his ‘mortal remains’. Either way…I am now in possession of the container that holds what was once Fraser’s body…including his shins.😉

That last part was just a way to add some lightness to the moment(s) that today brought. It was a heavy day. People keep saying it’s 'day-by-day'. I think this early on it’s gone from second to second, to minute to minute, and then hours to hours and eventually, in some time, it will be day by day.

But…speaking of heavy…that urn weighs at least 12lbs…not sure what I expected (she said his bones were heavy…mhmmm), but it was heavier than I anticipated. Too bad they didn’t have a barbell or kettlebell option for urns (business idea anyone?). I could use that sucker at the gym! For once I could throw Fraser over my shoulder like he did with me when I was getting feisty.

So, small, private room; urn on table (and again, no tissues). I’m not sure what I expected but it wasn’t this….and this was lovely (but it did catch me). It’s almost like they’ve done this before! Maybe I thought we could do like a drive-through and they’d hand us a grocery bag with this cask-like container and off we’d go.

It was an unceremoniously ceremonious event…we had our tears (they are at the forefront today), we pick it up and then what? Do I keep him (urgh…I’m trying not to acknowledge that as ‘him’ but I’ll let it stand) in the trunk and let him roll around until we fly to Scotland for Christmas?

My friend shared that story with me…her Mom didn’t want to become attached to her husband’s ashes so she let the urn/box rattle around in the back until they could arrange his release(?)….so many new uses for words that I don’t know the right ones yet…and I’m grateful for that!

So, I eventually decided the urn should not roll around in Babe (his, now my, car). There is no real worry of the ashes falling out…that sucker is sealed, but still, I don’t want to find myself talking to ‘him’ in the trunk. Lol Nor do I want to hear the urn roll around back there…but I might take corners a bit slower…hmmmm…nah! Babe likes to ‘corner like it’s on rails’ (Pretty Woman is one of my favourite movies).

So, the urn, that closely resembles a whisky cask (it was our second choice but so fitting!), that houses the container that Fraser once occupied, sits atop our piano.

I miss him. A lot today. And just so nobody thinks I sit around and cry all day (and I know there is nothing wrong with that) I did have a moment while shopping for my niece’s birthday gift (she had the most feels when she came to visit us in hospital. It was sad and beautiful). I wanted to buy her a lululemon vest (she’s 11 so it is sort of a lot, in my mind, for an 11 yr old), BUT, when Jade asked if I was ok spending the money on her I said, ‘Fraser would want me to’…and that ends pretty much any argument now! Fraser still gets his say every now and then….and it brings me joy and some smiles. And I need those 💕

xo, Brooke

P.S. While Caelin, Mom and I were walking Faya one day we found an old pylon. Caelin said we should bring it home. I said no. She said why. I said, ‘because’ and then SHE said, ‘I bet Dad would want me to have it?!’ These kids are too clever for me…but she taught me well. 😁