December 10 11:47pm
- caelinp9
- Dec 11, 2023
- 2 min read
Birthday's
Last year Fraser, myself, Kim and Steve celebrated Steve’s 50th birthday in Mexico. We were all sitting around one night in November; nothing had been planned yet so Fraser went to the computer and said, ‘we’re booking a birthday trip!’. Fraser wanted to make sure we booked a vacation to make it special.
Tonight we celebrated Steve’s 51st birthday….and I almost didn’t go. I knew Fraser had bought Steve a gift a while ago and for a very brief, but incredibly gut-wrenching moment, I thought I should simply ask him where it was…like, for a fraction of a fraction of a second, I forgot. And it was beautiful…until it wasn’t.
I went searching for the gift and found some cigars Fraser had bought. I figured that was probably the gift, but I couldn’t remember what ones Steve liked etc…that was Fraser’s department. Shit, I don’t even know what wines I prefer; again, Fraser’s department. And he did these things so well. His memory was impeccable (I’ve said it before, but, it was also annoying during arguments!) and he was an amazing gift giver! That was one of his Love Languages; giving gifts.
In finding the cigars and getting ready to go to dinner, it brought me back to where we were this time last year. I mean, *spoiler alert* Fraser and I fought while we were on our trip (just want to remind you we were like a real, human couple and not clouded by all this hindsight bs. Lol). But I suppose fights are sometimes necessary because we don’t communicate things when they arise rather than wait for them to fester and grow even more shit until it gets all muddled into an argument. Oh how I wish I could have some ‘take-backsies’…but I don’t. Of course, we did sort it out and we did have an amazing trip with our friends.
So much so that I decided, in my brain, that my presence at tonight’s dinner was just a reminder of Fraser’s absence. I used to have confidence (or at least felt like I did) but now I feel incredibly vulnerable. I haven’t ever known myself without Fraser! 16 year olds don’t know themselves. We created ourselves together; and we created our Selves, together
And now I must go out, on my own, with the reminder of Fraser’s absence. It’s a big absence to carry…but I am grateful to have friends that I can practice my new found (forced) independence with. I know my confidence is just tucked away under some vulnerability for a bit…and that’s not so terrible. At least I know it’s there….along with my friends.💕
Xo, Brooke
I remember feeling exactly the same way….it does eventually become your new normal to go places on your own…but when you become a couple so early it’s hard to figure things out on your own …..without your other half. People will always remember Fraser and your presence in their lives will keep his memory alive. Say his name everyday….I still talk about Mike all the time and I know that keeps him here in some way. Love you. I am here. ❤️❤️
It's just the same as you go out all the time. Just Fraser isn't able to come in person. You are still fun, interesting, and great company. You have always been a unique person. You are Brooke! You are not merely a wife tag along. You are a friend in your own right. You will figure out what wines you like and you will make a note of that. You are a considerate gift giver. You can learn outside your "department ". This is an opportunity to stretch some new muscles. Opportunity to grow into your full potential as an adult. No shareies necessary, but you dont have to do it all. But there may be stuff that yo…